The PPSA Constitution
The Official PPSA Constitution
Copyright 1983 (Revised Oct. 1990)
We, the proud and pompous Polkinghorne proprietors, do positively and piously promote personalism to further the activities of both civic and student life, student affairs and activities, and through social gatherings, expand our horizons to meet the laws of supplies and demands. We shall govern ourselves by the righteous laws laid down by our four fathers and act both mature and couth; thus we do ordain and establish this constitution for the betterment of the Universe.
Article 1 – Name
The name of the organization shall be The Polkinghorne Palace Student Association (PPSA) in honor of Wilfred C. Polkinghorne, who was the kind of guy that knew enough not to take life seriously.
Article 2 – Membership
The membership requirements for esteemed entry into PPSA shall be:
Active member: an officially enrolled student or studious person who participates in PPSA events and who has paid his dues to the international office of PPSA.
Alumni member: someone who is no longer studious, but who recalls vividly how miserable he was as a student, and who pays his dues whenever the international office bugs him enough.
Associate member: someone who was never studious, but who wishes he could be as cool and hip as PPSA members really are.
Slave: someone who cannot, for what ever reason fit into any of the above categories, but wants to serve PPSA nonetheless.
Membership shall be limited to any multiple of sixty-nine or fraction thereof, according to the following restrictions:
item a) Must not have the syllable “nor” in is name, neither may he possess any name that, when said fast after The God Emperor has been drinking, bares any resemblance to “jeffjones”.
item b) Must be a real man, except in the case that the member is a woman, in which case she’s gotta be a babe.
item c) Must have an aura about oneself, realize that he has a destiny and be willing to let his world line show.
item d) In the case of a student, he must possess a minimum of a 1.38 GPA.
item e) Must not look stupid, use a pocket protector, or know how to operate a slide rule.
Article 3 – Management and Control
PPSA shall consist of an international headquarters located at the residence of The God Emperor of PPSA. Local PPSA chapters may be established at any university campus, or place that seems good to start one. Local chapters shall be overseen by a local deity (God Emperor) who shall, in turn, be held accountable to The God Emperor. PPSA shall be governed by an executive branch, which shall consist of The Most Holy Board Of Control (T.M.H.B.O.C.) and The God Emperor. Both The God Emperor and T.M.H.B.O.C. shall have equal vote in all official PPSA policies and in the case of a tie The Honorable Wilfred Carlos Polkinghorne shall cast the deciding ballot.
Article 4 – Officers
The PPSA officers shall consist of a) The God Emperor, b) The Most Holy Board of Control members and c) dully appointed officers (appointed as T.M.H.B.O.C. sees fit).
The duties of the officers shall be:
The God Emperor Shall act in the official capacity for the PPSA, appoint subordinates and order pizza (see Article 7) at will. The God Emperor must believe that he has absolute power over the fate of the Universe, even though everyone else realizes that the position is just to act as a figurehead to divert attention from those who actually do.
The Most Holy Board of Control shall consist of, but not be limited to:
- The Vice Emperor shall act as president of T.M.H.B.O.C., must attend all really good parties and will work directly in seeing that the orders of The God Emperor are carried out. The V.E. must be good at yelling at subordinates and must see that PPSA holds together in the event that The God Emperor has too good of a time at any of the official PPSA events it is his duty to attend.
- The Vice Emperor of Operations and Finance shall oversee the day-to-day management of the PPSA, supervise all billings, parties, social events, and movie rentals. The V.E. of O&F shall have rankest authority in the selection of the liquor for all major PPSA functions and shall submit a list of approved drinks for all chapter parties he cannot attend, or just doesn’t want to go to.
- The Secretary of Defensiveness shall have the esteemed job of defending PPSA from all forms of slander and abuse. The Secretary of Defensiveness shall take (and burn) the minutes from all official PPSA meetings, check for wiretaps and all forms of eavesdropping. The S o’ D must possess a highly trained sense of paranoia and attend as many parties and social gatherings as possible in order to make sure no one says anything bad about PPSA.
- Other Officers The titles of other officers shall include, but not be limited to: The Holy Inquisitor, Chief Mensurationist, Master of Time, Space and Dimension, Chief Intergalactic Crimefighter, The Director for the Study of Particulate and Gaseous Emissions, Special Effects Master, Official Food Tester, Procurement Officer. Other peons and sundry losers shall be appointed as T.M.H.B.O.C. sees fit.
Article 5 – Officer Elections
If it is deemed necessary by The God Emperor, elections will be held when he has the time.
Secret ballot shall be the official medium for all elections. After each election the ballots must be destroyed by the Special Effects Master with the use of really neat pyrotechnics (under the direct supervision of the So’D).
The term of office for all T.M.H.B.O.C. members shall not be limited to one’s lifetime. However, should an officer choose to retain his office posthumously he must notify either The God Emperor or a member of T.M.H.B.O.C. via any accepted form of interdimensional communication, such as a Ouiji board or a documented spiritual channeler.
Secion 4 – Absences and Vacancies:
item a) In the event that the Vice Emperor is unable to chair any given meeting of T.M.H.B.O.C., and no one else wants to, our mentor Wilfred C. Polkinghorne B.S.E.M. shall be given the gavel (metaphysically speaking), and shall act as President Pro-tem of T.M.H.B.O.C..
item b) If an officer dies, decomposes or is taken prisoner in a land-locked island, The God Emperor shall hold elections to fill their void, until a proper channeler can be found, or until a proper rescue can be launched.
Article 6 – Impeachment
Officers may not be impeached. Since officers elect themselves there is really no point in it.
Article 7 – Meetings
A quorum shall consist of no fewer than The God Emperor or two (2) T.M.H.B.O.C. members.
All meetings of PPSA shall be ruled by entropy. Other laws of physics and nature need not apply, or even show up since they will most likely be unwelcome.
A majority vote of T.M.H.B.O.C. is considered to be one vote, The God Emperor has one vote. 1+1=2. There are therefore two votes to be cast. If the sum of these votes is such that they nullify each other Wilfred C. Polkinghorne will cast the tie breaking vote.
Protests, disputes and the off chance that Wilfred cannot be reached in the case of a tie vote will be settled by invoking the Rock, Paper, Scissors method.
Article 8 – Punishments
PPSA reserves the privilege of taking action against any member for what it views at the time to be wrong or in bad taste. These shall be such things as a fau paux, failure to contribute to The PPSA Newsletter, a petty crime or a dumb mistake that reflects poorly upon the name of PPSA. Torture by means of rubber bands, toy guns or squirt bottles is considered commensurate with these offenses.
Article 9 – Publications
The official organ of PPSA shall be The PPSA Newsletter for the lack of a better name. The newsletter shall be published on off months, and members who do not contribute to more than one issue in a row will be subject to a hit team obeying the strongest interpretation of Article 8 possible.
Article 10 – The Constitution
A constitutional convention will be held each year. It may be held under the code name Road Trip.
The constitution may be interpreted as The God Emperor and T.M.H.B.O.C. see fit.
Amendments to this constitution may be made any time the members feel like it. Ratification of this document requires only agreement between The God Emperor and T.M.H.B.O.C..
Article 11 Official Food
The current PPSA food is hereby proclaimed to be Domino’s Pizza. This shall remain effective until the time at which another Pizza Superbowl occurs.
Bylaws and Boundary Conditions
Copyright 1982 (Revised Oct. 1990)
I – Finances
item a) The organization shall receive funds through taxation, fund raising and patriotic-entrepreneural-capitalistic endeavors of all types; such as tightwaddedness, issues of ultimatum from the office of the V.E. of O&F and legal gambling ventures.
item b) All persons designated to handle money belonging to the PPSA in excess of twenty-one ($21) dollars, must be bonded by a recognized bondage expert.
item c) Audits cannot be performed, neither will they be allowed.
II – Mastication
Mastication shall only be allowed in designated mastication areas: one’s bedroom, the kitchen, dining room or entertainment lounge (with something to clean any mess up with).
III – Music
Banjos, bagpipes and country music are strictly prohibited. The PPSA recognizes the high fidelity sound reproduction of Compact Discs and holds members with many of these in high esteem.
IV – Transformation of State
To sum it up, transformations from solid to liquid or gaseous states shall not be allowed unless under the direct supervision of The God Emperor.
V – Emissions Standards
The emission of particulate and gaseous matter originating from the combustion, or production by other means, of organic materials is strictly forbidden. Any release of such materials is allowed only in conjunction of a scientific study being done by the Director for the Study of Particulate and Gaseous Emissions.
VI – Respect
The name of Wilfred Carlos Polkinghorne, B.S.E.M. shall not be spoken unless in a semi-crouched position.
VII – Dictatorships and Coups
item a) The overthrow of the block upon which is located the Polkinghorne Palace, any street, precinct, hamlet, village, ward, township, principality, city, suburb, metropolis, megalopolis, peninsula, area code, state, geographic region (not inclusive of small cysts of land), etc. of the United States of America is most absolutely prohibited.
item b) Rescue missions to Communist backed regimes (i.e. Grenada and Iran) are supported.
item c) The overthrow of small insignificant banana republics is encouraged.
The Claus Clause
The M.H.B.O.C. has determined that all sunbathing, both with and without the sun, on a roof of, near or in the area of The God Emperor, shall be constrained to the following guidelines:
item a) The clothing of really fabulous babes must be selected selected from the Sports Illustrated Swimwear Edition, unless of course no clothing at all is being worn.
item b) No outdoor sunbathing may be performed until such time as the thermometer attains an actual reading of 69 degrees or greater on any known temperature scale.
item c) Any person or persons with the last name Claus, or any permutation or combination of the contained letters, must obtain a writ authorizing said sunbathing from the Sargent- At-Arms and Legs (this is a position that may be appointed by any officer).