Abstinence and the Art of Pon Far

by Raman Pfaff
Reprinted from V5N1, August 1991

Now that summer is back in full swing, I'm sure you're all busy with barbecue's, volleyball and other various sundry 'experiments' in pleasure. Summer's also a blessed time for many of us because one TV station invariably begins Star Trek reruns (usually around midnight every weekday). I know some of you are thinking, "Oh God - it's another one of those Trekkies!," but...keep reading anyway, I think I am fairly normal. it just so happens that I really enjoy watching Kirk (the baddest man in the Universe) lace up his boots after having slept with a green woman, even after I've seen the episode a hundred times. It's always interesting to observe that no matter what far reaching part of the Galaxy the Enterprise wandered into, a woman would invariably enter the script who had been involved with Kirk in the distant and foggy past. By now you're wondering what I'm getting at so please continue reading.

Thinking of the past, why is it that I don't have a mysterious past? Or for that matter, none of my friends do either. What is it with us, are we intergalactic wimps or are we just average humans. Is it really possible to form as many relationships with the opposite sex as it seems Kirk has done during his formative "Academy Days", (or for us college) or is it just the dream of the human who could not reach the unobtainable end of the rainbow. I myself can count my post relationships using only major appendages on my body. Is this bad? I think not. But who am I to say? Let us turn to Spock, who has had considerably fewer relationships than Kirk. I am sure that Spock's past is checkered somewhat more than mine, but short of Pon Far there aren't many episodes in which his green blood comes to a sexual boil.

Having sex with every green bitch that wanders by is a noble quest in the 23rd century. Bones has probably cured more sexually transmitted diseases that Kirk and the crew have picked up on shore leave than you or I can imagine. As for this 20th century mortal, I think that I will have to pursue other ways to make my past mysterious or at least interesting.

That's why it's so great to have Star Trek reruns, I can have an orgy with 50 Denubian women from the comfort of my Strata-lounger. You have to hold on to your dreams!