Late Night
with
David Letterman

Top 10 Houston Oiler Excuses - January 5, 1993

• 10. Shouldn't have skipped breakfast - it's the most important meal of the day!
• 9. Started giving 109% instead of 110%.
• 8. Even though fans loved it, shouldn't have replaced Warren Moon with folk singer Suzanne Vega.
• 7. Busy making mental tally of football players with girls names: Fran Tarkenton... Rosey Grier....
• 6. YOU try tackling those guys - some of them are huge!
• 5. Bills quarterback kept looking one way, then throwing the other.
• 4. Wanted to honor another Houstonian who let a big lead in the polls slip away..
• 3. "I'm telling you - maybe YOU didn't see Dobermans on the field, but there WERE Dobermans on the field!"
• 2. Preoccupied about getting home in time to see all the Amy Fisher movies.
• 1. Didn't want to go to Disney World.

Top 10 Signs Americans Are Getting Dumber - January 6, 1993

• 10. Rising tide of complaints that the Clapper is too complicated.
• 9. More people saying, "Hey, you forgot to take the hanger out of your coat."
• 8. When asked to name the current president, most say, "Eddie?"
• 7. 82% of Americans get their news from a pet.
• 6. Sales of "I'm with Stupid" T-shirts surpassed by sales of "I Am Stupid" T-shirts.
• 5. Leading cause of death: forgetting to let go of bowling balls.
• 4. Frightened crowds always running out of movie theaters screaming, "Giants! Giants!"
• 3. 1993 S.A.T. consists of one question: "Hey good lookin' - whatcha got cookin'?"
• 2. Upsurge in the number of babies named "Critter."
• 1. Three Amy Fisher movies.

Top 10 Excuses of the Home Alone Parents - January 7, 1993

• 10. Airline wasn't running "Kids Fly Free" promotion.
• 9. That Macaulay Culkin kid was left home alone and he's a millionaire.
• 8. OK everybody, meet Winnie, the invisible babysitter! Say hi, Winnie! Go ahead! Winnie?! Winnie?!
• 7. Unspoken assumption that they'd be taking a later flight.
• 6. Had to stay behind to fire Ditka.
• 5. Kids love to be alone at Christmas.
• 4. Just for the sake of argument, suppose the kids were hats. Now, there's nothing wrong with leaving a couple hats at home, is there?
• 3. We haven't had a vacation without the kids since September.
• 2. Babysitter Amy Fisher didn't show up.
• 1. Hey, we came back , didn't we?

Top 10 Signs the Guy Who's Pulled You Over Isn't a Real Cop - January 8, 1993

• 10. He's driving a Mr. Softie truck.
• 9. Nightstick looks suspiciously like one of those really long Slim Jims.
• 8. Can't fit you in back of his car because of all the chickens.
• 7. Rather than "Protect and Serve," his motto is "Lift and Separate."
• 6. He keeps calling you "Mommy."
• 5. You're blinded by the glare of his silver cape.
• 4. Instead of handcuffs, two onion rings and a rubber band.
• 3. He jumps in the back seat, holds a gun to your head, and says, "Drive me to Cincinnati."
• 2. Every other word out of his mouth is "Martians."
• 1. Hates doughnuts.

Top 10 Campaign Promises Clinton Is Least Likely To Fulfill - January 12, 1993

• 10. Bring Fred Astaire back to life to dance at the inaugural.
• 9. Seven-, eight-, nine-, and eleven-dollar bills.
• 8. Get an albino on the Supreme Court.
• 7. Keep "Knots Landing" on the air.
• 6. Somehow keep Roger from embarrassing himself and the nation.
• 5. Gain no more than 10 lbs. a year.
• 4. Bomb Sweden until they're cross-eyed.
• 3. Get hair dyed for Joey Buttafuoco role in upcoming Amy Fisher movie.
• 2. Federal law giving every male American an equal shot at Gennifer Flowers.
• 1. Make Al Gore exciting.

Top 10 Problems that Doomed the Around-the-World Balloon Flight - January 13, 1993

• 10. Right before lift-off, fat guy from "Cheers" sneaked on.
• 9. First mate wouldn't quit with the "Up, Up and Away in Our Beautiful Balloon."
• 8. Nobody could drive a stick.
• 7. Navigator insisted on bringing along his collection of good luck anvils.
• 6. Balloon built by G.E.
• 5. Those morons at Jiffy Lube.
• 4. Shouldn't have agreed to deliver huge overflowing box of hat pins.
• 3. Collided with DHL truck.
• 2. Wasted all the helium doing Sally Struthers imitations.
• 1. Someone had their try table down.

Top 10 Real Reasons I'm Leaving NBC - January 14, 1993

• 10. Heads - CBS; tails - CBS.
• 9. It just makes sense, since I'm already commuting with Andy Rooney.
• 8. At last minute, CBS kicked in a new set of Michelins.
• 7. I've stolen as many G.E. bulbs as I can fit in my garage.
• 6. In order to grow as an artist, I feel it's important to do the same crap over at CBS.
• 5. Tired of being sexually harassed by Bryant.
• 4. Can't convince them to do another TripleCast.
• 3. Finally realized not only are they never going to make me anchorman, but this technically isn't even a news show.
• 2. CBS had the best Amy Fisher movie.
• 1. They insist I wear pants.

Top 10 Good Things About Being a Lame Duck President - January 15, 1993

• 10. Good chance to catch breath before starting your lawn care job.
• 9. Can grow back the 'fro.
• 8. "Lame duck president" big improvement over just "lame president."
• 7. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner: spotted owls.
• 6. Shows don't have to be very good until we get to CBS.*
• 5. Run up huge 900-number bill, let Hillbilly Boy worry about it.
• 4. Hardly any press coverage when you throw up in a world leader's lap.
• 3. Don't have to suck up to Larry King anymore.
• 2. Get in a few Quayle jokes of your own.
• 1. Goodbye cabinet meetings, hello Halcion.

Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Inauguration - January 19, 1993

• 10. Over-inflating the thighs on the Clinton float.
• 9. Asking band to play "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song.
• 8. Forgetting to ask Clinton if he'd like fries with that.
• 7. Introducing yourself to the Secret Service as "Billy the Robot from Space."
• 6. Running into people's shins with your go-cart (Dan Quayle only).
• 5. Yelling "One more time!" after Fleetwood Mac finishes "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow."
• 4. Trying to impress Chelsea by telling her you wrote, directed, and starred in "Annie Hall."
• 3. Even the slightest mention of the word "Dukakis."
• 2. During Gore's speech sarcastically shouting "Calm down, you madman!"
• 1. Asking Roger to sing.

Top 10 Things Clinton Had To Do on His First Day - January 21, 1993

• 10. Find out just what the hell this "Bosnia" is.
• 9. Call up chicks who wouldn't date him in high school and ask what their husbands do for a living.
• 8. Send in change of address card to "Hillbilly President" magazine.
• 7. Buy that Saddam a burrito because a man enjoying a burrito is a threat to no one.
• 6. Sharpen a load of pencils.
• 5. Anything to distract him from thinking about what Michael Jackson looked like close up.
• 4. Flip Newt Gingrich "the national bird."
• 3. Assure a teary-eyed Dan Quayle that he'll look after squirrel family living in attic.
• 2. Figure out jogging route that goes past McDonalds AND Dunkin' Donuts.
• 1. Start making pathetic excuses.

Top 10 Signs Roger Clinton Is Going To Be Trouble - January 21, 1993

• 10. It's just not normal to keep eating so much taffy.
• 9. Won't go anywhere without his goalie mask and Bat Cape.
• 8. Let's put it this way: if he were a Corleone, he'd be Fredo.
• 7. When Bill was looking for a poet for the inauguration, Roger asked, "How about the Dice-Man?"
• 6. Way he keeps asking Tipper: "Yeah, but are you MARRIED married?"
• 5. In made-for-TV movie about Clinton family, he's being played by Gary Busey.
• 4. Somehow broke into the mint, got his face put on the dime.
• 3. Spends late nights tap dancing with Bonnie Franklin.
• 2. Refers to Dan Quayle as "Professor."
• 1. Already applied for presidential pardon.

Top 10 Signs the Presidential Honeymoon Is Over - January 22, 1993

• 10. Israelis and Arabs agree - he's fat.
• 9. Two words: Zoe Baird.
• 8. French President Mitterand refers to him as "Le Bonehead."
• 7. His Mom keeps asking him why he can't be more like his brother Roger.
• 6. No longer a cinch to nail Barbra Streisand.
• 5. Japanese leader threw up in HIS lap.
• 4. Earlier today, Lesley Stahl gave him the finger.
• 3. Dukakis won't return his calls.
• 2. When he has to go out in public, Secret Service says, "You're on your own, Pedro."
• 1. Has to pump his own gas.

Top 10 Other New White House Rules - February 2, 1993

• 10. No talking during "Hee Haw."
• 9. Championship sports teams invited to White House must bring cheerleaders.
• 8. Barbra Streisand may take nuclear secrets home overnight, but they must be returned in the morning.
• 7. President must wash hands before returning to work.
• 6. You must be this tall to ride Gennifer Flowers.
• 5. When the President's brother Roger is singing, staffers must murmur, "Man! That cat is laying down a groove!"
• 4. At state dinners Ted Kennedy has two-drink limit.
• 3. Everyone must agree with President when he says, "South Dakoty is north of North Dakoty, ain't it?"
• 2. If the Oval Office is rockin', don't bother knockin'.
• 1. Do not feed the President.

Top 10 Signs You Have Too Much Body Hair - February 3, 1993

• 10. Not enough hours in the day to rinse, lather, and repeat.
• 9. When you applied for McDonalds job, hair-net company bought you a Ferrari.
• 8. Every time you get out of the shower, your wife says, "Hey, great! A gorilla-gram!"
• 7. Getting caught in the rain means you stink like a labrador.
• 6. You keep a Weed Whacker in the medicine cabinet.
• 5. Your name is Ed Asner.
• 4. As girlfriend runs fingers over your hairy chest, a pair of pliers turns up.
• 3. "Take off your coat and stay a while. No, seriously, take off your coat - you'll be more comfortable. Please - would you take off your coat?"
• 2. "Hard Copy" wants to shoot some blurry footage of you nude for their Bigfoot story.
• 1. Cause of death: mange.

Top 10 Ways To Cut $14 Billion from the Defense Budget - February 4, 1993

• 10. Fly stand-by.
• 9. Streamline paperwork - make everyone in army use name "Ed Johnson."
• 8. Earl Scheib will camouflage anything for $9
• 9.9
• 9.
• 7. From now on, helmets only for guys with really, really sensitive heads.
• 6. Put off buying a wrench or two.
• 5. Delete "free fudgsicles" clause from Schwarzkopf's pension.
• 4. Screw periscopes - they can just stick their heads out of the top and look around.
• 3. Replace six-week basic training with screening of Rambo I, II, and III.
• 2. Pry toilet out of an old Winnebago, stencil words "space toilet" on side. Sell it to NASA.
• 1. Two words: street clothes.

Top 10 Signs It's a Slow News Day - February 5, 1993

• 10. Al Gore is on the front page of the New York Times.
• 9. Most of the news is follow-up stuff on the big Hindenberg crash.
• 8. Regular obituaries replaced by "Best Obituaries of 1993".
• 7. You tell the head editor you're going to grab some lunch and he starts screaming, "Stop the presses!"
• 6. New York Post makes up a story about you moving to L.A.
• 5. Big headline: "People Sure Do Like Pie!"
• 4. "See page eight for more news about Joe Piscopo."
• 3. Exclusive interview with guy who thinks he may have seen Amy Fisher drive by his house one time a few years ago.
• 2. List of winning lottery numbers followed by list of losing lottery numbers.
• 1. Mondalemania!

Top 10 Signs J. Edgar Hoover Was Gay - February 9, 1993

• 10. At 1941 inauguration of F.D.R. he showed up wearing the same dress as Eleanor.
• 9. Demanded that each FBI operation be named for a Broadway show.
• 8. Let's just say he "left a lot of fingerprints" if you know what I mean.
• 7. Lived by motto: "When in doubt, strip search."
• 6. Three words: Special Agent Liberace.
• 5. Whenever he went under cover he went as Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz."
• 4. Top advisors: cowboy, construction worker, and Indian chief.
• 3. Wore button that said, "I like Ike. I mean I REALLY like Ike."
• 2. Usually opened staff meeting with his version of "Mandy."
• 1. The J. stood for Jenny.

Top 10 Signs Hillary Is in Charge - February 10, 1993

• 10. Leaving the seat up now a federal offense.
• 9. She threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister's lap.
• 8. Bill wouldn't have gotten that "Jackie Thomas Show" without her.
• 7. Secret Service code name for President Clinton: "Mr. Mom."
• 6. New law prohibiting spelling Gennifer witha "G."
• 5. Every time she moves her hand, Bill flinches like a frightened collie.
• 4. She's commander-in-chief of the remote control.
• 3. Whenever Clintons appear together, Marine band plays "I Am Woman Hear Me Roar."
• 2. Latest choice for Attorney General: Michael Bolton.
• 1. Bill now calling her "Mommy."

Top 10 Surprises in the Michael Jackson Interview - February 11, 1993

• 10. Two words: beer gut.
• 9. Announcement that he has agreed to fight Riddick Bowe.
• 8. When he lights up one of his big cigars you'd swear you're looking at Groucho.
• 7. Favorite pastime: getting drunk and shooting at cars on the interstate.
• 6. Burned during filming of Pepsi commercial by NBC News incendiary device.
• 5. Oprah meant it when she said, "The first thing I want to do when this is over is hijack a German airplane."
• 4. Picked up a lot of his wardrobe at a J. Edgar Hoover estate sale.
• 3. Recently had transplant surgery using Bubbles' liver.
• 2. His waist is the same size as Oprah's forearm.
• 1. He never touched himself.

Top 10 Signs that Your Hijacker Is Dumb - February 12, 1993

• 10. Keeps telling pilot to hurry because he has to hijack a connecting flight.
• 9. One of his demands: a police escort when you land.
• 8. He fell for bit about Michael Jackson dating Brooke Shields.
• 7. Asks pilot to hold his gun for a while so he can get some shut-eye.
• 6. Keeps asking himself, "What would Howie Mandel do in this situation?"
• 5. Asks male flight attendant, "So, do you have a lot of girlfriends?"
• 4. Two words: return ticket.
• 3. First item on his list of demands: plastic pilot's wings.
• 2. Makes note to order motivational cassettes advertised in inflight magazine.
• 1. His only demand: gum.

Top 10 Surprising Things About Clinton's Speech Last Night - February 16, 1993

• 10. First line: "I am your king, bring me your gold!"
• 9. The way the President's brother Roger kept sneaking up and waving to the camera.
• 8. That a slide whistle can be so effective when driving home a hard economic point.
• 7. His mid-speech taco break.
• 6. Hillary let him use the Oval Office.
• 5. Pay your taxes on time, get a nice fresh grape.
• 4. His closing: "And now a word from Budweiser, the King of Beers. Nothing beats a Bud."
• 3. The extended metaphor of the American economy as an enormous burrito.
• 2. 70% of new taxes will be aimed at Oprah.
• 1. He's dating Brooke Shields.

Top 10 Signs Your Film Isn't Going To Be Nominated for an Academy Award - February 17, 1992

• 10. No one's seen it but you and your Mom.
• 9. Due to typo you paid top dollar to get Jack Nicklaus.
• 8. During filming you forgot to take lens cap off, released it anyway.
• 7. You're making a sequel to "Gorillas in the Mist" but halfway through you lose your permit for the gorillas and have to finish using big St. Bernards.
• 6. Clarence Thomas bought the video.
• 5. Every time your movie is shown audience screams, "Focus!"
• 4. Full page ads begin, "If you loved 'Encino Man'...."
• 3. Entire movie filmed through a peephole at a Holiday Inn.
• 2. The title includes any combination of the following words: "stop", "Mom", or "shoot".
• 1. Two words: starring Madonna.

Top 10 Things Dumb Guys Were Thinking During Clinton's Speech - February 18, 1993

• 10. "What's gotten into Matlock?"
• 9. "Wait till the guys at work hear I stayed awake thro-zzzzzzzz."
• 8. "Enough with the fancy talk, Gallagher, start bustin' them melons!"
• 7. "I liked it better when Dana Carvey was president."
• 6. "I can't believe he's blaming me and George!"
• 5. "Why's everybody clappin' so much? Must be because the President's so handsome. Way to be handsome, Mr. President!"
• 4. "Think I'll go for a spin in my '86 GM pickup."
• 3. "Why don't he wave back?"
• 2. "Should I stay in New York or move the show to L.A.?"
• 1. "Please don't tax Cheetos."

Top 10 Ways Things Would Be Different If Roger Clinton Were President - February 19, 1993

• 10. Walls of Oval Office wouldn't be cluttered with various diplomas.
• 9. Garth Brooks - Secretary of Hats.
• 8. Long, complicated State of the Union addresses replaced by 5-minute prime-time reminders to always use ZIP codes.
• 7. New cabinet position: Minister of Barbecue.
• 6. Hillary wouldn't be running the country anymore.
• 5. Every Saturday, nation would gather around their TV's to watch president compete on "American Gladiators."
• 4. "Hail to the Chief" replaced with theme from "Wayne's World."
• 3. Chief Justice Wapner.
• 2. A lot of speeches would begin, "Dan Quayle had a good idea the other day."
• 1. One word: hootercade.

Top 10 Reasons We're Staying in New York - February 23, 1993

• 10. Didn't want to give up my table at Blimpies.
• 9. I'd miss driving through Lincoln Tunnel with my eyes closed.
• 8. After 11 years away from L.A. I finally manage to lose my Chicano accent.
• 7. Would rather be shot at on subways than freeways.
• 6. Couldn't get cheap applause by saying New York audiences are best looking in all of TV.
• 5. I have a biological need to stay close to Tom Brokaw.
• 4. East Coast girls are hip. We really dig those styles they wear.
• 3. L.A. phone book doesn't contain one Buttafuoco.
• 2. Woman who keeps breaking into my house didn't feel like moving to L.A.
• 1. Three words: Times Square sushi.

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Grammys - February 24, 1993

• 10. "Who the hell let Yoko in?"
• 9. "Sure I remember you from the Bangles - I'll have a rum and coke please."
• 8. "Wow! Johnny Winter beats Edgar Winter in best albino blues guitarist category again!"
• 7. "When's that geezer gonna come out and do them lame one-arm push-ups?"
• 6. "Yeah right, he's dating Brooke Shields."
• 5. "My brother's the President, and if you don't let me sing, I'll have him do somethin' nucular to ya'!"
• 4. "Call security - Oprah's moonwalking!"
• 3. "Reba, Latifah. Latifah, Reba. Latifah and Reba, Bono."
• 2. "Run for your lives - Harry Connick Jr.'s got a gun!"
• 1. "He's the guy touching himself."

Top 10 Other New Rules at McDonalds - February 25, 1993

• 10. Prove you've suffered a massive heart attack, get a free Big Mac.
• 9. Condiments now include Stridex pads.
• 8. Carjacking only in designated drive-thru lanes.
• 7. If a customer requests detailed nutritional information, you don't speak English, got it?
• 6. No more freebies for Ronald McDonald's lover, Gary.
• 5. Employees must at least think about washing hands before returning to work.
• 4. McDLTs come with McCPR.
• 3. When somebody orders a salad, no longer allowed to say, "Hey, we got ourselves a sissy here."
• 2. One Buttafuoco collector cup per visit.
• 1. You MUST have fries with that.

Top 10 Signs Your Doctor Is Trying To Kill You - February 26, 1993

• 10. He loads up I.V. bag with Diet Slice.
• 9. Before attaching EKG electrodes, asks you to stand in a pail of water.
• 8. Keeps wanting to test your reflexes with a rusty bear trap.
• 7. Has other patients mounted on the wall.
• 6. Just as you're going under you hear him say, "Say hi to Lyndon Johnson for me."
• 5. Examining table has a chalk body outline drawn on it.
• 4. He has a G.E. coffee maker in the waiting room.
• 3. You stop by for a flu shot and go home with a baboon liver.
• 2. You come out of the anesthesia in the fast lane of a busy highway.
• 1. He's kind of creepy

Top 10 Signs You've Hired a Bad Secretary - March 2, 1993

• 10. Instead of makeup, she opts for magic marker moustache and sideburns.
• 9. Upon seeing typewriter, screams, "Ahhh! Iron pencil!"
• 8. Several times a week firefighters have to free her from the candy machine.
• 7. People from Guinness book always showing up to measure his fingernails.
• 6. Keeps asking you to repeat the word "Dictaphone."
• 5. While taking notes at a board meeting, she suddenly says, "I missed what fatso just said."
• 4. Claims he was once Vice President, but he can't even spell.
• 3. You can't remember the last time you got a letter or a phone call.
• 2. Since she's been there, you go through $10,000 a week in petty cash.
• 1. Can't get the hang of Post-Its.

Top 10 Relationship Problems for Michael Jackson and Brooke Shields - March 3, 1993

• 10. He's prettier.
• 9. Michael always carting around Elephant Man. Brooke always carting around mother.
• 8. She keeps leaving the lid up on the hyperbaric chamber.
• 7. Instead of taking her out to dinner, has his zookeeper toss her live crickets.
• 6. Can't seem to get the old Ferris wheel going (if you know what I mean).
• 5. They're at the mall. They're having a nice, normal time. Then suddenly it's: "Hey everybody look at me! I'm moonwalking! Oooh, I'm the coolest guy at the mall!"
• 4. The Tito factor.
• 3. Always arguing over who left the cap off the lipstick.
• 2. Brooke smokes in bed; Michael highly flammable.
• 1. He touches himself more than her.

Larry King's Top 10 Complaints About Liz Taylor - March 4, 1993

• 10. Kept saying, "I've answered another question. Give me a diamond."
• 9. She hasn't quite got the hang of that bald spot spray paint.
• 8. For some reason she refused to discuss her NFL career.
• 7. She insisted on holding up her husband's new perfume "Suddenly Fortensky."
• 6. Her non-stop boasting about all the Domino's pizza guys she's nailed.
• 5. All that money and she's always wearing the same sweatsuit.
• 4. She's not the same girl she was 73 years ago.
• 3. Kept saying, "Ain't it the truth, Oprah!"
• 2. Spits big chunks of lamb when she talks.
• 1. She wouldn't marry him.

Clinton's Top 10 Recurring Nightmares - March 5, 1993

• 10. A 50-foot Roger.
• 9. He dreams he's eating a giant marshmallow and when he wakes up, Ted Kennedy is gone.
• 8. Al Gore actually comes to life.
• 7. Bob's Big and Tall - out of business! Mr. Stocky's - out of business! Tubby's House of Pants - out of business!
• 6. Hillary doesn't let him attend cabinet meetings anymore.
• 5. He's in the lead going into Final Jeopardy and the category is "Personal Army Experiences."
• 4. Secret Service Agent Richard Simmons.
• 3. A giant Socks-the-cat approaches him with a scalpel and says, "It's time for your neutering."
• 2. Erotic dream about J. Edgar Hoover.
• 1. Two words: Chelsea Buttafuoco.

Top 10 Ways To Kill Time When You're Stranded in an Airport - March 16, 1993

• 10. Ride around baggage carousel asking people, "Are you sure I'm not your suitcase?"
• 9. Organize a posse. Look for Swedes.
• 8. Page "passenger John Goodman" and watch all the fat guys in the airport get stared at.
• 7. Drink yourself into a duty-free coma.
• 6. Scream, "Duck! It's Harry Connick Jr.!"
• 5. Make annoying siren noise and carry old people to their gates.
• 4. Have a few jumbo sodas; go out and "de-ice" a 74
• 7.
• 3. Help out customs officials by sniffing people's luggage.
• 2. Think up dirty jokes with "Aer Lingus" in the punch line.
• 1. Play goose-the-skycap.

Top 10 Irish Expressions for Sex - March 17, 1993

• 10. Peeling the potato
• 9. Mowing the clover
• 8. Watching the soda bread rise
• 7. Getting shille-laid
• 6. Cleaning the bagpipes
• 5. Tenderizing the corned beef
• 4. Oh Danny boy - oh boy - oh boy!
• 3. Flying Aer Lingus
• 2. Kissing a Kennedy
• 1. O'Humping

Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Bad Cult - March 18, 1993

• 10. Entire religion based on something founder overheard on a bus.
• 9. Cult leader just keeps asking, "So, uh, what do you guys want to do now?"
• 8. At the annual convention your cult gets the booth all the way in the back.
• 7. Their description of heaven sounds suspiciously like Sea World.
• 6. The Kool-Aid tastes funny.
• 5. It's called "The Danson family" and you get together every Thursday to watch "Cheers."
• 4. You're named cult leader because you're the only one with a car.
• 3. You recognize many of your fellow members from the World Wrestling Federation.
• 2. Their TV spokesman is Joe Piscopo.
• 1. It's just a bunch of nude fat guys.

Top 10 Signs It's Your Cab Driver's First Day - March 19, 1993

• 10. His turban is clean and bright.
• 9. He says, "Uh oh, easy does it! Pothole coming up!"
• 8. You take turns driving so he can get some shut-eye.
• 7. When you get in the cab and say, "World Trade Center," he starts screaming, "I didn't do it!"
• 6. You recognize him as former head of NBC News Michael Gartner.
• 5. Drives cab in area marked "street."
• 4. He turns meter off and says, "How can I care about money when I'm drivin' a big yellow car?! Whoopee!"
• 3. "South Bronx? 2 a.m.? Sure, hop in."
• 2. When stuck in traffic, he explains, "I would use the horn but it is only for emergencies."
• 1. He stops at red lights.

Top 10 Signs Boris Yeltsin Is Cracking Under the Pressure - March 23, 1993

• 10. Instead of the Kremlin, has started hanging around Kreskin's house.
• 9. One day, pants but no hat. Next day, hat but no pants.
• 8. Keeps pounding desk with fists and screaming, "Kill Moose and Squirrel."
• 7. While addressing Parliament, can't stop blurting out secret to "The Crying Game."
• 6. Applied for job as new president of NBC.
• 5. Asked Admiral Stockdale to be his running mate.
• 4. Wastes hours playing "Let's Look for Swedes."
• 3. Has taken to calling himself the "Stolichnaya Messiah."
• 2. Let his goofy brother Roger Yeltsin sing on MTV.
• 1. Claims he invented Russian dressing.

Top 10 Little-Known Facts About "Nightline" - March 24, 1993

• 10. Early "Nightline" trading cards now worth over $500.
• 9. Koppel demanded ABC give his wife a show right after "Nightline."
• 8. Due to Ted's lack of self control, bacon has been banned from the set.
• 7. Their Top 10 lists are funnier than ours.
• 6. It's taped with an X-400, reflex lens camera using a cathode-ray tube.
• 5. Just like in "The Crying Game," Ted Koppel is a guy!
• 4. Features exclusive interviews with presidents, not their brothers.
• 3. During commercial breaks, Koppel uses the big satellite video screen to talk to his cat.
• 2. New format debuting this summer: Ted and his guest try to one-up each other with Mama jokes.
• 1. It ain't a wig.

Top 10 Signs the Guys Trying To Put Out Your Burning House Aren't Real Firemen - March 25, 1993

• 10. Their beards are on fire.
• 9. Entire operation comes to a complete halt when someone accidentally stands on the garden hose.
• 8. You warn them that your gas tank is liable to blow and they say, "Cool!"
• 7. They're wearing bowling shoes.
• 6. You notice them carrying each other up and down ladders.
• 5. Chief says, "It'll burn itself out in a couple days," asks for a beer, and leaves.
• 4. They arrive a couple at a time off the regular city bus.
• 3. One of them keeps trying to attach the end of a hose to your dog.
• 2. They keep laughing and shouting, "Nothing beats flame broiling!"
• 1. No ladders - stilts.

Top 10 Other Products Being Test Marketed by McDonalds - March 26, 1993

• 10. Filet o' Leftovers
• 9. The Depressing Meal
• 8. One big French fry you carve like a turkey
• 7. Ray Kroc Bits
• 6. Chance to punch Ronald McDonald in the stomach as hard as you can
• 5. The 200-pound hamburger
• 4. McHookers
• 3. The Double Buttafuoco with Cheese
• 2. The Al Pacino Scent o' Woman sandwich
• 1. The Egg McMahon

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Oscars - March 30, 1993

• 10. "Hey Whoopi, those shrimp are for everybody!"
• 9. "Did you know Bette Davis once bludgeoned a meter man with her statuette?"
• 8. "The industry's most glamorous night of the year ruined by dozens of vicious wild dogs."
• 7. "He's in third place with 20 laps to go." (Overheard at a NASCAR race.)
• 6. "Ahh! The corpse of Bob Hope.... Oh, that IS Bob Hope."
• 5. "Why is Refrigerator Perry singing the theme from 'Aladdin'?"
• 4. "Liza Minnelli dance number... making me... dizzy... eyes starting to burn...."
• 3. "I'm so confused. I saw the guy from "The Crying Game" making out with Bea Arthur."
• 2. "Get off the stage, push-up geezer!"
• 1. "Quit licking my Oscar."

Top 10 Things Yeltsin Can Do To Get His Popularity Back - March 31, 1993

• 10. Develop a clear borscht.
• 9. Stop calling everyone "Homey."
• 8. Appear in public wearing the big purple Barney-the-Dinosaur costume.
• 7. New re-election slogan: "A chicken in every time zone."
• 6. More wet babushka contests.
• 5. Get Certs people to start using phrase: "Contains a sparkling drop of Yeltsin."
• 4. Promise everybody all kinds of stuff he can't possibly deliver - like Clinton.
• 3. Pretend he's Ed McMahon, get head slammed in door.
• 2. Legally change name to Boris Buttafuoco.
• 1. Claim he's dating Brooke Shields.

Top 10 Signs You've Picked the Wrong Supreme Court Justice - April 1, 1993

• 10. Keeps asking, "When do I meet Diana Ross?"
• 9. Writes his opinions on little scraps of Kleenex.
• 8. Only law he knows is that "under-30-minutes-or-the-pizza-is-free" thing.
• 7. Favorite case: Roe v. Godzilla.
• 6. Keeps sneaking into the chambers at night and propping up Thurgood Marshall in his old chair.
• 5. He points at your shoes and says, "Enjoy 'em while they're still legal."
• 4. Whenever a death sentence is announced, he plays "taps" on his kazoo.
• 3. Three words: UNLV law school.
• 2. You overhear him mumbling, "What would Wapner do?"
• 1. Heard of Jacoby, never heard of Meyers.

Top 10 Signs You're Not God - April 2, 1993

• 10. You've got combination skin.
• 9. Tuna melt isn't your favorite sandwich (see Matthew 3:24).
• 8. You work in totally non-mysterious ways.
• 7. While hurling lightning bolts down from the sky at some guy, you miss and foul up his automatic sprinkler system.
• 6. Everything you bless starts smelling like cabbage.
• 5. God doesn't have a hair weave.
• 4. No matter how hard you try, you can't get the lid off the Skippy.
• 3. Every time you try to prove you're invisible, you end up getting arrested.
• 2. You can't even create a bird feeder in seven days.
• 1. You wouldn't be living in Waco.

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Summit - April 7, 1993

• 10. "Look, forget the money, we want that miracle spray-on hair stuff."
• 9. "Imagine what you'd look like if you didn't jog every day."
• 8. "For a strong President, you really have soft skin."
• 7. "Get some vodka into that Al Gore of yours."
• 6. "What? We have no time outs left?"
• 5. "Margaret Thatcher? I had her."
• 4. "Hey Bubba! Leave some gravy for the Ruskky!"
• 3. "The Red Army has been gay for years and it's a blast."
• 2. "When do I get to meet this Joey Buttafuoco?"
• 1. "Last call already?"

Top 10 Things Aeroflot Can Do To Improve Its Image - April 7, 1993

• 10. Shoo the bats out of the lavatories.
• 9. Promise delivery within two days.
• 8. Stop asking smaller passengers to sit in the laps of larger passengers.
• 7. No longer have Moscow-to-Leningrad flight connect through Dallas-Fort Worth.
• 6. Modify plane to resemble giant airborne potato.
• 5. Stewardesses with necks.
• 4. Water down the captain's vodka.
• 3. Remove Chernobyl-cured ham from inflight menu.
• 2. Paint over Gorbachev-inspired red mark on top of fuselages.
• 1. More aero, less flot.

Top 10 Signs the Easter Bunny Is Losing His Mind - April 8, 1993

• 10. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."
• 9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "You're going to die up there, fat man!"
• 8. Can't stop washing his paws.
• 7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.
• 6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.
• 5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg."
• 4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.
• 3. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.
• 2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack.
• 1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.

Top 10 Signs You're an Extremely Boring Person - April 9, 1993

• 10. Most common question you ask: "Hey, where's everybody going?"
• 9. Mr. Rogers grabs you by the throat and screams, "Pick up the pace, you simp!"
• 8. Sominex tablets now available shaped like you.
• 7. Your wildest fantasy: to some day visit Winnipeg.
• 6. Your bedroom walls are covered with photos of Treasury Secretary Lloyd Bentsen.
• 5. During confession, you hear the priest click on his Game Boy.
• 4. The person seated next to you at the dinner party is sawing at their wrists with a steak knife.
• 3. They let you sedate patients for surgery by describing your system for organizing laundry.
• 2. During sex your wife calls out the name "Irving R. Levine."
• 1. You think Al Gore is a maniac.

Top 10 Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur - April 13, 1993

• 10. Spent the 70s traveling around the country following the Grateful Dead.
• 9. Stormy marriage to Tanya Tucker lasted only six days.
• 8. Purple color the result of alcohol-induced hypertension.
• 7. Bitterly refers to "E.T." as "the luckiest damn space monkey in Hollywood."
• 6. Bangs the production assistants as fast as they can hire them.
• 5. Is other half-brother of Roger Clinton.
• 4. He and Mickey Rourke were forcibly ejected from the Golden Nugget casino in Las Vegas after assaulting a black jack dealer.
• 3. Before plastic surgery, was one of the Jackson Five.
• 2. Offered Fred Flintstone a million dollars for one night with Dino.
• 1. Two words: silicone tail.

Top 10 Signs Larry King Is Losing His Mind - April 14, 1993

• 10. Has started referring to his suspenders as "Felix" and "Oscar."
• 9. Performed root canal on himself with a seafood fork.
• 8. Weirdly tries to pronounce CNN as if it were one word.
• 7. Recently spotted wandering pantless in a Florida mall screaming, "Go ahead - you're on the air!"
• 6. Buttafuoco.
• 5. Won't stop talking about his great new idea: a reverse sandwich with filling on the outside and bread in the middle.
• 4. Is now demanding guests address him as "Mr. Larry."
• 3. His stomach is filled with charcoal briquettes.
• 2. Shouts "Bingo!" and awful lot for someone who isn't actually playing bingo.
• 1. Won't come out of the pup tent.

Top 10 Surprises in the Sex Survey - April 15, 1993

• 10. 98% prefer condoms to Isotoner gloves.
• 9. For teen boys, most frequent fantasy during sex is having a partner.
• 8. Three guys at MIT have had cyber-sex with a bank machine.
• 7. Pam no-stick spray no longer just for cooking.
• 6. Some men have sex as often as twice a week.
• 5. That Urkel guy's banged half of Hollywood.
• 4. Fat guys have a lot of trouble getting laid.
• 3. 0.00001% of teenage girls have shot their boyfriend's wife.
• 2. Wilford Brimley frequently has sex in exchange for cookies.
• 1. Most women ever? The Fonz.

Top 10 Surprises on the Clinton's Tax Return - April 16, 1993

• 10. Took advantage of something called "the butter fat deduction."
• 9. Bill's real name? Debbie.
• 8. Had to report gift hog from cast of "Hee Haw."
• 7. Chelsea donated $50 to Bush/Quayle '9
• 2.
• 6. Claimed McDonald's as a second home.
• 5. Bill pays Gore $30 a week to be Vice-President.
• 4. Crossed out the word "dependent," wrote in "critters."
• 3. Hillary made a million bucks sleeping with Robert Redford.
• 2. Bill took $4,000 depreciation on Gennifer Flowers.
• 1. Hillary listed as "head of household."

Top 10 Tips for the New "Late Night" Host - April 27, 1993

• 10. A drugged guest is a well behaved guest.
• 9. Proper gratuity for Marv Albert: nickel a blooper.
• 8. Kids will look up to you; don't let them think it's "cool" to smoke.
• 7. Willard's insane.
• 6. If you ever have a baby, look out for giant birds.
• 5. G. E. executives are "pinheads"; NBC executives are "boneheads."
• 4. No one cares about Walter Cronkite's lunch.
• 3. Don't panic if you find a strange woman in your house.
• 2. When all else fails, just say "Buttafuoco."
• 1. Two words: laugh track.

Top 10 Ways Clinton Can Improve His Approval Rating - April 28, 1993

• 10. Lift ban on gays in the Salvation Army.
• 9. Become the fattest president ever.
• 8. Move the Canadian border a few feet per day until by 1996 - voila! No more Canada!
• 7. Every Friday night, host an old horror movie on TV in full wolfman make-up.
• 6. Bomb Baghdad.
• 5. Sponsor Pay-per-View event; Attorney General Janet Reno wrestles a bear.
• 4. Put Gore in a purple dinosaur costume.
• 3. Be more like Urkel.
• 2. Pay off national debt by letting Hillary sleep with Redford 10,000 times.
• 1. Tank tops.

Top 10 Things Overheard During Take Your Daughter To Work Day - April 29, 1993

• 10. "I don't care whose 8-year-old she is, she's not neutering my Doberman."
• 9. "Bryant, meet my daughter Willardo."
• 8. "Mrs. Paul, your daughter just saw the secret fish-stick recipe. Now she must die!"
• 7. "Hand Mommy her tassles."
• 6. "This is the director's chair, Soon-Yi."
• 5. "Now batting for the Chicago White Sox - Cindy."
• 4. "I know his hair looks scary, but just march right up and say, "Hello, Mr. Letterman."
• 3. "Honey, keep your eyes open over here while Daddy whacks a guy."
• 2. "Chelsea, see if YOU can get something past Congress."
• 1. "Keep away from Senator Packwood."

Top 10 Highlights of Roger Clinton's First 100 Days - April 30, 1993

• 10. Wore shoes for the first time.
• 9. Sometimes gets a free pen after they've signed a law or something.
• 8. Historic all-night keg summit with President Mitterrand's brother "Stewie."
• 7. Was on TV!!!
• 6. Finishing slightly ahead of that smart-ass 7-year-old during the White House Easter egg hunt.
• 5. Was a runner-up on the game show "Towel off!"
• 4. Seeing Joe Namath host the Bud Bowl... that was awesome!
• 3. Keyhole sighting of Hillary using her Epilady.
• 2. Finally getting the rubber mouse away from socks.
• 1. Higher approval rating than his brother.

Top 10 Signs Your Therapist Hates You - May 4, 1993

• 10. Everything you tell him ends up in the "Weekly World News."
• 9. Constantly rolling his eyes and making "cuckoo" sign with finger.
• 8. At the end of your session, he screams, "Time's up!" and high-fives the receptionist.
• 7. Every time you eat something tasty you get a nasty electric shock and pretty soon tasty ain't so tasty anymore!
• 6. Really itchy couch.
• 5. As you tell him about your week, he and his friends keep yelling, "Yahtzee!"
• 4. Introduces you as the Mayor of Loserville.
• 3. Whenever you tell him one of your dreams, he says, "Come on, that's an old 'Twilight Zone.' "
• 2. Constantly asking: "So, you're just going to rule out suicide completely?"
• 1. Always sides with Mia.

Top 10 Signs You're Too Old To Be Living at Home - May 5, 1993

• 10. You can never figure out which dentures are yours.
• 9. Your parents keep leaving classified ads for rental apartments taped to your hamster's cage.
• 8. You sneak in late from a Neil Diamond concert.
• 7. You and your parents' Social Security checks come on same day of the month.
• 6. You've convinced yourself that when Dad dies, Mom will marry you.
• 5. You're 42 and you have a curfew.
• 4. You come home after a late night at the office and find that Mom has laid out your Star Wars pajamas.
• 3. At least once a week you get into a shoving match with Dad over the last beer.
• 2. Mailman openly mocks you by saying, "Give these letters to Mommy, you deadbeat."
• 1. Mom complains when you bring home hookers.

Al Gore's Top 10 Pet Peeves - May 6, 1993

• 10. Is a heartbeat away from obscurity.
• 9. Picking up Big Mac wrappers off the White House jogging track.
• 8. Being Roger Clinton's designated driver.
• 7. Secret Service men assigned to him never seem to have sunglasses or ear pieces.
• 6. People who play blackjack when they're under the weather.
• 5. The round-the-clock drills on spelling "potato."
• 4. Some WWF stars are too big to answer their fan mail.
• 3. A couple of the angles on his head aren't quite 90 degrees.
• 2. Press never mentions the fact that he had an affair with Gennifer Flowers too.
• 1. Getting buried alive.

Top 10 Signs Your Postman Could Be Ready To Snap - May 7, 1993

• 10. He hides your letters around the yard like Easter eggs.
• 9. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but 29-cent stamps and fragile stickers.
• 8. Wife wears T-shirt saying, "I'm with disgruntled."
• 7. You find him on the porch reading a Sharper Image catalog to a squirrel.
• 6. Won't stop saying Buttafuoco.
• 5. Every letter he brings you is from him.
• 4. His hat looks suspiciously like the one you ordered from L. L. Bean.
• 3. Whenever he sneezes styrofoam peanuts fly out of his nose.
• 2. Invites you to put your hand in his pants and do a little "presorting."
• 1. Keeps biting the UPS guy.

Top 10 Signs the Guy Driving Your Subway Train Isn't a Transit Employee - May 11, 1993

• 10. Stops when he hits somebody.
• 9. No matter how many times he's disappointed, can't resist tasting the sticky stuff on the floor.
• 8. The hospital gown.
• 7. You notice the train is cutting through a lot of backyards.
• 6. When you stop in Times Square, he gives Show World schedule over P.A.
• 5. Conductor's cap looks suspiciously like a Fruit Loops box.
• 4. Conductor is sitting next to you with a wad of cotton in his mouth, and tape around his wrists and ankles.
• 3. On his badge, "transit" spelled with a "z."
• 2. Wearing belt buckle that says, "Pull here for emergency stops."
• 1. He's graffiti free.

Top 10 Signs the World Is Becoming Overpopulated - May 12, 1993

• 10. 26-digit phone numbers.
• 9. Nobody is rooting for Maury Povich and Connie Chung anymore.
• 8. Roger Clinton's concert - sold out.
• 7. In parts of Asia, not only carpooling, but pantspooling.
• 6. There's now a 2-1/2-hour wait to get into Cher's bedroom.
• 5. It's bad enough dying of thirst out in the middle of the desert, but all the pushing and shoving!
• 4. Two Gaps on every block.
• 3. China just made it illegal to move your arms away from your sides.
• 2. Suddenly there are 10 women breaking into my house.
• 1. Too many damn "Eds"!

Top 10 Things Overheard During Clinton's Trip to New York - May 13, 1993

• 10. "Get out of my way, fatso."
• 9. "It'll be $15 for the phony headline, 'President Clinton's popularity soars.'"
• 8. "OK give me your Presidential wallet and just keep walking."
• 7. "Where can I get me one of those 'Whack-a-Perots'?"
• 6. "I'm sorry I can't find a 'Flowers' on the guest list."
• 5. "I'm the President damn it! Now give me another spare rib."
• 4. "Those aren't hummingbirds, Mr. President, they're stray bullets."
• 3. "Look at all the hookers. Yipppeeee!"
• 2. "Get your hillbilly ass out of the intersection."
• 1. "Hey, tax this."

Top 10 Ways This Show Would Be Different If It Were Produced in Mexico - May 14, 1993

• 10. In lieu of ill-fitting sportcoat, ill-fitting serape.
• 9. Technically speaking, the audience would not merely be sleeping - they'd be enjoying an afternoon siesta.
• 8. Paul Shaffer replaced by giant dancing Te Amo cigar.
• 7. Stupid human tricks would often end in death.
• 6. I'd get speeding tickets from Mexican police.
• 5. More jokes about President Salinas' loser brother Arty Salinas.
• 4. More changes to say, "Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!"
• 3. G. E. Executives now called pinata heads.
• 2. Larry Bud would be on top of Mexico City capital building with giant sign: "Muerde me!"
• 1. Two words: Senor Buttafuoco.

Top 10 Other Changes in the CBS Evening News - May 18, 1993

• 10. Title changed to "Hangin' with Mr. Rather."
• 9. Dan now used mostly to stand in wind tunnel and demonstrate force of hurricanes.
• 8. If your TV picture turns blue it means she's pregnant.
• 7. Dan and Connie begin each show by singing duet from "Beauty and the Beast."
• 6. More lame phone calls to Buenos Aires.
• 5. Dan won't be able to stash his Playboys in the news desk anymore.
• 4. Three words: matching news unitards.
• 3. Lots of sexual tension - they might be doing it, but no one's really sure.
• 2. At end of each newscast Connie and Dan introduce their daughter Chastity.
• 1. Plenty of cursing.

Top 10 Little Known Facts About "Cheers" - May 19, 1993

• 10. There's been talk of actually putting the "Cheers" logo on hats and T-shirts.
• 9. Ted Danson's hair is as real as the beer.
• 8. During show's 10-year history George Wendt ate 375 million peanuts.
• 7. Original choice for role of Sam Malone? Bea Arthur.
• 6. Any unused liquor after last taping goes directly to G. E. executives.
• 5. Show has won four Emmys for "Best Portrayal of a Bar Frequented by a Fat Guy and a Mailman."
• 4. Ted Danson is 67 years old.
• 3. Real-life bars that are actually named "Cheers" always suck.
• 2. To help actors feel like they're at a bar, there's actual vomit in the restroom.
• 1. Norm played by two midgets in a big coat.

Top 10 Signs Your Husband's a Loser - May 20, 1993

• 10. Shirt is never tucked or completely untucked.
• 9. Moves his lips when he watches TV.
• 8. Keeps leaning over to ask question about the "Ernest" movie.
• 7. Always quoting Urkel.
• 6. Nobody has called him "Mr. Vice-President" in four months.
• 5. Your wedding ring looks a lot like a greasy washer.
• 4. Among tapes in his permanent video library: all the Bud Bowls.
• 3. Spends hours a day inside a Mickey Mouse suit; doesn't work for Disney.
• 2. His teenage girlfriend shoots you in the head.
• 1. Sex is awkward wearing E.T. pajamas.

Top 10 Shocking Revelations About Mick Jagger - May 25, 1993

• 10. Bill Wyman is his father.
• 9. Probably thinks the song "You're So Vain" is about him.
• 8. Apparently has gotten lots of satisfaction.
• 7. Ex-wife Bianca invented that breath spray stuff.
• 6. Once shared a Jacuzzi with Marge Schott.
• 5. In a top-secret ceremony in the '60s he married Jim Nabors.
• 4. He can whistle "Honky Tonk Woman" through his nose.
• 3. Using fad diets, has gained and lost 15,000 pounds.
• 2. One of only 10 million people to have seen Madonna naked.
• 1. Slept with Redford for free.

Top 10 Reasons Clinton's Approval Rating Has Declined - May 26, 1993

• 10. As part of defense cuts, shouldn't have ordered cancellation of "Major Dad."
• 9. Majority of Americans want us to bomb somebody, ANYBODY.
• 8. One haircut cost taxpayers as much as 8 years worth of Reagan's Grecian Formula.
• 7. When we elected him he was pleasantly plump, now he's frightening the children.
• 6. Recent public admission he once dated Mick Jagger.
• 5. Country disappointed Roger hasn't lived up to his full Billy Carter potential.
• 4. Many turned off by videotape of Socks catching and disemboweling a sparrow.
• 3. Only definitive decision he's made since elected was, "Yes, I would like fries with that."
• 2. Many turned off by videotape of Hillary catching and disemboweling a sparrow..
• 1. Those damn running shorts.

Top 10 Things More Embarrassing than Having a Baseball Bounce Off Your Head for a Home Run - May 27, 1993

• 10. Being snubbed at daytime Emmys for 14th time.
• 9. First name: Peabo.
• 8. Missing an NBA playoff game because you're "feeling lucky" at the tables.
• 7. That Dukakis-Bentsen bumper sticker that won't come off.
• 6. Finding out you and your wife each slept with Mick Jagger.
• 5. Buying a ticket from a scalper at Shea Stadium.
• 4. Misspelling "potato."
• 3. Waking up nude and hung over in a sleeping bag with Ross Perot.
• 2. At your wedding, instead of saying, "I do," you accidentally say, "Boy, does my butt itch."
• 1. You lost the presidency to some fat hick.

Top 10 Indy Driver Pet Peeves - May 28, 1993

• 10. Radio loses FM signal in fourth turn.
• 9. You crash going 200 mph and you end up in a Marv Albert blooper reel.
• 8. Suction cup Garfield blocks view of track.
• 7. Going fast is scary!
• 6. Having to take a leak with 100 laps left.
• 5. Forgetting to remove "the Club" before the race starts.
• 4. When the tape player eats your "Chorus Line" cassette before you've even gone 50 laps.
• 3. People who pronounce it "Grand Prix."
• 2. When wife says you lack viscosity.
• 1. Potholes.

Top 10 Little Known Facts About Ruth Ginsburg - June 15, 1993

• 10. First judge to use the word "cran-tastic" in a legal brief.
• 9. Won $
• 1.2 million from Michael Jordan on back nine at Augusta.
• 8. Has invented a combination glove and shovel called "The Glovel."
• 7. Allowed her cat to be filmed for Jurassic Park.
• 6. As a teenager, dated Joey Buttafuoco, Sr.
• 5. Four words: belches like a lumberjack.
• 4. She hates herself for it, but that "Diceman" cracks her up.
• 3. Spent three years traveling with a southern carnival as "Monkey Girl."
• 2. Once kicked Janet Reno's ass in a bar fight.
• 1. Nailed Wapner.

Top 10 New Diet Pepsi Slogans - June 16, 1993

• 10. Take the new Pepsi Challenge.
• 9. Give your taste buds something to shout about.
• 8. Coke's for sissies.
• 7. 200cc's of great taste.
• 6. Every can inspected by Ray Charles.
• 5. Keep out of reach of children.
• 4. Vaccinate your thirst.
• 3. Michael Jackson's revenge for that time we set his hair on fire.
• 2. Un-huh, uh-huh, ow!
• 1. You've got the contaminated one, baby!

Top 10 Signs You Have Dino-Fever - June 17, 1993

• 10. You legally change your name from "Bob" to "Bob-o-saurus."
• 9. You're eating a lot more ferns lately.
• 8. You strap tin plates on your dog's back to make him look like a stegosaurus.
• 7. You break into a dino-sweat, develop dino-tremors, and finally you're dino-dead.
• 6. When people ask if you like dinosaurs, you say, "You bet Jurassic."
• 5. You have a stabbing pain in your cheek (a sign you've taken a sip of Diet Pepsi).
• 4. You stalk Ernest Borgnine because of his prehistoric features.
• 3. Favorite reference book: Roget's Thesaurus.
• 2. You've been arrested more than once for exposing yourself in front of the T. Rex skeleton at the Museum of Natural History.
• 1. Name your kids: "Di," "No," and "Saur."

Top 10 Signs Clinton's Temper Is Out of Control - June 18, 1993

• 10. Last week, pistol-whipped a Domino's delivery guy.
• 9. Bruises the size of softballs covering Al Gore's torso.
• 8. Prime Minister of Zimbabwe: "It is a pleasure being in your country." Clinton: "Why are you wearing that ridiculous hat?"
• 7. Socks spotted with a black eye and a knot in his tail.
• 6. Overheard screaming, "How come they ain't no dang needle in my dang Pepsi?"
• 5. State of the Union address had to be bleeped 14 times.
• 4. Threatened to break Sam Donaldson's leg in three places for "being a dork."
• 3. Slapped a guy silly on White House tour for whistling the Beverly Hillbillies theme.
• 2. Emptied Air Force One bathroom on Ross Perot's lawn.
• 1. Actually talked back to Hillary.

Top 10 Signs You're President Clinton's Long-Lost Half-Brother - June 22, 1993

• 10. Favorite beverage: Billy Beer.
• 9. Your nominees for officers of the bowling league always run into trouble.
• 8. You jog every morning and never ever lose any weight.
• 7. Your checking account is $3 trillion overdrawn.
• 6. You're not, but it's a better scam than pretending to find syringes in cans of Diet Pepsi.
• 5. You still think shoes are for rich folks.
• 4. Whenever Hillary says something on T.V., you do it without question.
• 3. You instinctively feel the need to get it on with Barbra Streisand.
• 2. You have a genetic predisposition to being kind of a load.
• 1. Haven't done anything since January.

Top 10 Signs that Madonna Would Make a Good Mother - June 23, 1993

• 10. Kids can conduct science projects with peroxide and penicillin.
• 9. Always lots of "uncles" around the house.
• 8. Kid wouldn't have to go through life with an embarrassing last name.
• 7. For all the same reasons Joan Crawford made a wonderful mother.
• 6. Bound to be better at parenting than movie-acting.
• 5. Will start college fund with Pay-per-View of live birth.
• 4. One snip, and an old cone-shaped bra becomes two wacky party hats!
• 3. Owns wide variety of interesting teething objects.
• 2. Lots of practice changing diapers on grown men.
• 1. Did Barney.

Top 10 Signs You're Going To Be a One-Term President - June 24, 1993

• 10. Heads of state greet you by saying, "Nice knowing you, Pedro."
• 9. Larry King bumps you when Joyce DeWitt interview runs long.
• 8. Secret Service code name: Jimmy Carter II.
• 7. White House tour guide points at you and says, "There goes one term bubba."
• 6. Even your long-lost brother won't take your calls.
• 5. There's a Century 21 sign on the east lawn.
• 4. Rich Little doesn't even bother getting your voice down.
• 3. You change your name to an unpronounceable symbol, but everyone still just calls you Prince.
• 2. Dukakis keeps asking if you want to split the price of a Winnebago.
• 1. You get Madonna pregnant.

Top 10 Things I Have To Do Before I Leave NBC - June 25, 1993

• 10. Drop off hairpiece at security desk.
• 9. Vacuum out Wendell and write down his mileage.
• 8. One final "turn your head and cough" visit to NBC nurse.
• 7. Steal my weight in office supplies.
• 6. Let my plastic surgeon step out and take a bow - this has been his show as much as mine.
• 5. One last hot-oil rubdown from the knowing hands of Mr. John Chancellor.
• 4. Return artificial leg to props department.
• 3. Get one more cheap laugh by saying the word "Buttafuoco."
• 2. Send change of address forms to that woman who breaks into my house.
• 1. Untie Willard.