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SeaViews: Insights from the Gray Havens 
June 1999

(formerly the _Rochester Rag_, formerly the _News from Detroit_)

Motto: The surest way to get a reputation for being a trouble maker these days is to go about repeating the very phrases that the Founders used in the struggle for independence.

-- C.A. Beard


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On last month's Fix;

the answer to last month's Fix,

"Is it ever acceptable for a nation to involve itself in the internal affairs (by military means) of another? Is it acceptable by other means (campaign contributions, financially, etc.) "

  I think some people were confused by the wording of this question. What was meant was, is it ever acceptable to try to do good by involving oneself in the civil military unrest of another nation? Obviously, responding to a direct attack (ie Pearl Harbor) is a case of self defense and is morally unassailable. Perhaps less automatic, but still acceptable if US interests are at stake is leaping to the defense of an invaded nation (ie when Iraq invaded Kuwait). But should we jump into the internal affairs of other nations?

There are numerous examples. For instance, the French helped us against the Brits (and their hired Hessians) in 1776 in the war for US independance. There are also less sterling examples like the 1963 Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba.

Let's look at the stated reasons for getting into Kosovo. There was "massive" ethnic cleansing going on (although not as massive as in China or Africa I'll bet) and we (ie the US and NATO) wanted to provide an independant state for Kosovar Albanians. Well, lets see. The last time the US and its allies tried to make a home for a people they created Israel - and that's been an example of peace hasn't it?

OK. Now what was the stated winning strategy for Kosovo? To get the Kosovars to live in peace and prosperity. Well, they've pretty much been ejected from their country, and any that go back will likely face death squads and starvation since none of the fields have been planted and likely won't be until the land mines are cleared - which could take at least a year.

So who has won here? [For an answer, see the Milisovic "surrender" speech in the Letters section.]

The older I get, the smarter I think Star Trek's creator Gene Roddenberry was. The Federation has the Prime Directive, which basically said that it could not interfere militarily, culturally or in any other way with a soveriegn world unless either

a) The habitants expressly asked for aid or

b) The planet was part of the Federation

Picard/Riker in 2000?

On a Personal Loss;

Charlie Scripter's father Frank passed away earlier this month. For those of you who don't know, "Chuck" and I were roomie's at MSU and I got to spending a lot of time at the Scripter's horse ranch. Later when Chuck went to Houghton and I to Detroit, I continued to spend my weekends and alot of weekdays at the ranch while I was working on my dissertation and building the project in the high bay of the MSU cyclotron. During the day Frank would try to teach me something about horse handling, while in the evening we'd go back to the house and have long talks about history and politics. I learned a lot from Frank and miss him.

Guest Editorial:

none this month



1. David Gay sends a copy of the "surrender" speech by Milosovec.

From: "David H. Gay" <>
To: Steven Langer <>
Subject: Endof War in Ygoslavia


Here is an example of foreign contributions for elections. However, unlike the Clinton/Algore election where foreign money was no big deal, this is considered "evil" since the receiving group is perceived as being "right-wing".

This group the BNP (British National Party) has more in common with the Nazi's (a left wing party see the Nazi 25 point platform Reading the Nazi's 25 points you can see how much the Liberal movement in the US has adopted and is pushing much of this agenda. They also accuse the Conservatives and Libertarians of being Nazi's!

Back to the main question of whether there is any reason that one country should interfere in the internal affairs of another sovereign nation. The more I think about it, the more I think that there are very few reasons that would justify intervention of any form. Certainly the US benefited greatly with the help of the French in the Revolutionary war, but suffered the German (Hessian) solders hired by the British. However, I'm not sure it was proper, but the French were putting their national interests first. Agreeing to help maintain current borders and governments suppresses the ability of the people to change their form of government. An oppressive government cannot always be overthrown from within especially when the citizens are disarmed and speech is suppressed. However, if the government isn't overthrown perhaps the citizens deserve the government they get.

When one country invades another, then there would be cause to intervene militarily to stop the incursion. By this argument World War II would have started months earlier and the US would have been involved sooner. I'm not sure what the verdict would have been for Viet Nam. I suspect we wouldn't have been there.

How do you respond when one cliché suppresses another within another country? Let them fight it out? intervene? or look for a diplomatic solution? Here the choice would certainly depend upon the relationship between the nations. Are the countries neighbors, or located on different continents? Is international trade effected? Perhaps a strict interpretation of the US Constitution provides some useful guidelines. If you look at how the relationships between the individual States and the relationship between the States and the Federal government as a model. Then practical guidelines for intervention can be developed.

The best way to deal with oppression is to allow freer movement of people from country to country and put the strongest authority at the lowest level of government. Higher levels would not dictate as much as it would police. This would eliminate the need to intervene in other countries affairs completely.


PS: Here are some interesting links.

Olvier North

Chip Bok


[Ed: Late addition.]

I just read a translation of Milosevic's victory speech. Assuming that this is the end of the war, we have come to an interesting conclusion. Nobody died, at least not any Americans, well except a few (2 I think) who died in helicopter accidents and both sides declared victory! We need to wait until this evening to hear what type of victory Clinton claims for this war. I bet he uses some of his time to blame the Republicans for not protecting Social Security....


BELGRADE, Yugoslavia (AP) -- Here is a text of President Slobodan Milosevic's televised address to the nation Thursday following suspension of the NATO bombing campaign and the beginning of the Serb withdrawal from Kosovo.The remarks were delivered in Serbian and translated by Associated Press.

Dear citizens. Happy peace to us all!At this moment, our thoughts go out to the heroes who have given their lives for the defense of the fatherland in the struggle for freedom and dignity of our nation. All their names will be announced in full but at this moment I would like to inform you that in the war which lasted exactly 11 weeks, from March 24 until today, 462 Yugoslav army soldiers and 114 police were killed.

We shall never be able to repay them. We have to do what we can. Our duty is to care for their families and repay them by being forever ready to defend our freedom and dignity of this land for which they laid down their lives. The entire nation participated in this war -- from babies in hospitals to intensive care unit patients, to soldiers in air defense trenches and soldiers on the borders.No one will forget the heroism of the defenders of the bridges, the citizens who defended the factories, the squares and the cities ... their state and their people. The people are the heroes -- this may be the briefest conclusion of this war. The people are the heroes and should feel like heroes and behave as such: with dignity, nobility and responsibility.

Throughout the rallies in this past year in our country, one motto was often heard: We will not give up Kosovo. We never gave up Kosovo. Today, the territorial integrity and sovereignty is guaranteed by the G-8 nations, the U.N., This guarantee is in the draft resolution.Open questions regarding the possible independence of Kosovo in the time before the aggression have been sealed with the Belgrade agreement. The territorial integrity of our country can never be questioned again.

We survived and defended the country and raised the entire problem to the pinnacle of world authority, the pyramid-- the United Nations.

The problem was returned to be solved under the auspices of the United Nations and in tune with the U.N. Charter. The troops due to be deployed in Kosovo will be under U.N.auspices. These troops will have their prime responsibility to ensure the safety of all citizens. Also under the U.N. aegis, a political process will take place, based on the principles already discussed and on the basis of the sovereignty and territorial integrity of our country.

This political process can only involve the autonomy of Kosovo and nothing else. By coming before the U.N., we have not only defended our country but have brought back to the world stage the U.N., which did not function for 80 days before this aggression. This is our contribution to the world: to prevent creation of a unipolar world, to prevent the acceptance of a world based on the dictat from one center. I think this contribution will be huge in history and that the heroism of our people in the resistance to the many-times stronger and bigger enemy will mark the end of the 20th century. I am convinced of this.

We have shown that our army is invincible - I am sure the best army in the world and by the army I mean the soldiers, police, all forces of national defense. They showed the entire world how one defends his nation, how unified and strong we stood. Because the people were the army and the army was the people.Never before have our people been so united and never in our history did we have fewer cowards who fled the country to await the war's end abroad in safety. At this moment, we face many new problems which will open many new duties at the end of the aggression and the beginning of peace. To take care of the ones who need it the most, the families of the killed, those who have been maimed for life, all those workers and farmers and citizens whom the war damaged and who need help. Everyone need help.

We face the reconstruction of the country. We shall begin rebuilding our bridges immediately, our factories, our roads, We have to restart again a great development to reflect the vitality of all our citizens. And when I speak of our people, I mean all citizens and nationalities. We have defended the only multiethnic society left over as a remnant of the former Yugoslavia -- this is another great achievement of our defense. The forces that come to Kosovo will serve peace, regardless from which countries they come from.

An army always follows the orders and the order here is to protect the people and the peace. The work ahead will require great mobilization. I think that the unity in these difficult times is a major achievement which we have to preserve in times ahead. I wish all citizens of Yugoslavia much joy and success in reconstruction of our country!''

2. AZ Matt writes:

Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999 12:12:50 -0700 (MST)
From: Matt Birkholz <>

> "Is it ever acceptable to interfere in the internal affairs
> of another country?"

Of course it is! I can't think of a good reason right now, but I am sure there IS. Maybe they bomb your Pacific fleet? I know it is all about principle, but the real world is messy. You ask if it is "ever" acceptable. If I say "No!", then I have said "Never!". Whenever I hear THAT word, I think someone is coming unglued from reality.

I think the Kosovo crisis is the usual stupid path of oppression with the new twist of a third-party, technically next-plane democracy finding it can slap the little tyrant with impunity. It is an amusing but INCONSEQUENTIAL story.

More interesting to me is how to escape MY individual bondage. I am keeping my eyes peeled for a small-is-beautiful society that will not allow fully one-third of its income to be focused in the hands of so few - and thus hijacked for all manner of silly, self-defeating, reactionary jihads (e.g. S&L "bailouts", a welfare "system", regulatory solutions to "global warming", etc). If you hear of anywhere where taxes are minimal (and mostly real estate), where the equivalent of the FDA has a public library's budget and there are 5 or 6 competing consumer's unions, and where the Legislature meets for a State of the Union address and then goes home, PLEASE let me know. If you are ready to give up and start your own, let me know. It will be a fun Gedanken experiment at least.


3. Doug writes from MN

Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 21:56:21 -0500 (CDT)
From: Doug Wilken <>
Cc: Doug Wilken <>
Subject: Re: lastcall

Hello Steve,

> This month the fix is,

> "Is it ever acceptable to interfere in the internal affairs of another country?"

In the affairs of nations, might *does* make right. Those pay- backs can be real painful, however. So it has always been a good rule of thumb to remain uninvolved unless the internal affairs of said country actually threaten your interests, however they are defined. To do otherwise is to prove that you are rather stupid and foolish. And perhaps a bit too arrogant for your own safety.

If you haven't even taken the time to carefully define your interests, in as objective a fashion as possible, you are even more stupid.

If you take this as a comment on President Clinton and his idiotic cabinet, you are correct. Of course in his case, perhaps he has defined our national interest as "anything to take the nation's attention away from my scandals". In which case, he isn't dumb, just totally amoral.

Of course this is not strictly confined to Washington D.C., if you haven't noticed Governor Jesse Ventura using the office of the MN Governorship to sell books and make money as a pertinent example. But I digress......

Doug Wilken

4. And Dave Dubey contributes some insiteful commentary from the old 'hood.

Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 08:54:50 EDT
Subject: news

Steve -
Just wanted to tell you I look forward to your magazine every month.
I deleted your email with the question of the month, and I can't
remember what the question was.  So I'll just send you a couple of comments.

I was listening to Charlie Sykes (sp?) sometime last week when he was
talking about the lawyers in the tobaco lawsuit.  The Wisconsin lawyers
originally said they were owed somewhere around 850 million.  Last week their
contract with Wisconsin got thrown out by the court.  I think it was because
it didn't have a cap, and all contracts with the state must have caps, or be
void. Anyway, the lawyers signed a settlement with the state the same day
as the court decision for about 90 million.   There is now new action in the
court get this contract thrown out.  The lawyers have still refused to show
records for the billing (which is being fought by 3 Wisconsin newspapers).

Anyway, the point I had to make was that Charlie said this was
basically legalized looting of legal businesses.   The politicians and lawyers
have found a way to steal large sums of money and have the public approve
of it. Now that they have gotten away with it once, be prepared to see it
happen with other industries.  (Guns, Alcohol, and whatever else has a sin

( ... remainder deleted 4/17/02 ...)

 - Dave Dubey

Quote(s) of the month:

"Open questions regarding the possible independence of Kosovo in the time before the aggression have been sealed with the Belgrade agreement. The territorial integrity of our country can never be questioned again."

-- Slobodon Milosivic, Serbian President,  in his "surrender" speech

Fix of the month:

How should political campaigns be funded? 



1. Bainbridge Island, June 24: Due to the ongoing negligence of their landlord, the Langer's basement flooded, resulting in severe damage to their property and setting back the production of this month's issue. The editor apologizes.

Washington D.C.

1. June 30: The Washington Post mentions that Rep. Presidential candidate   George Bush junior has put away more money in the last quarter for his campaign war-chest then both leading Dems. (Al Gore and Sen. Bill Bradley) have in total. The Post concludes that the Rep. nomination is all but settled. Meanwhile, polls show that any Rep. would beat Al Gore by at least 10% if the election were held today. This is odd since during good economic times, the incumbant Administration usually gets the credit. Pundits conjecture that the polls show voters do not credit the current Admin. with any credit for the current prosperity.

Net News;

1. So you think you have had a bad day ...

- The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they both were eaten by a killer whale.

- A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of nagging, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

- In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole - sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, only to find that his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

- A women came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

-. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper.....

- Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

2. OK everyone, hold on, you asked, you pleaded. Here are the 1998 DARWIN AWARDS!!!!!


#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.

#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."

#5 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

#6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

#7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

- The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.

- The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.

- To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.

- An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.


THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

3. Ok, the following is for those of you who are willing to entertain the idea that Star Wars can be funny. Warning SPOILER ALERT. Don't read this if you have not seen the movie and want to have a virginal experience when you do. Oh and this was written originally by some anonymous person, and I edited it up some.




LIAM NEESON: It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.

EWAN MCGREGOR: I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.


EVIL ALIEN: Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevail. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.


A droid enters.

LIAM NEESON: I sense a disturbance in the force.

EWAN MCGREGOR: Well, shit.

Suddenly, the room fills with poisonous gas and numerous pieces of CGI (Computer Generated Images) enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to hold their breath for long periods of time and destroy the CGI. They run outside.




LIAM NEESON: These droids have given us a great ride to the planet surface so far, but we need to get out.

EWAN MCGREGOR: I agree. There is no sense riding all the way to the main city. We should get out now and hope to find an alien who can take us to the Planet Core, and then to the main city.


JAR JAR: Who'sa might you'sa be?

LIAM NEESON: I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your leader.

JAR JAR: I'sa see. That is'a quite interesting. I'sa will guide you'sa to the land from which I'sa have come'a.


JAR JAR: (cont'd) Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday?

EWAN MCGREGOR: (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) What?!? I don't understand what you are saying.

JAR JAR: Weesa can go to me'sa home and'a smokesa some ganja, mon.

EWAN MCGREGOR: What?!? Do You'sa Speak'a English'a?

JAR JAR: I'sa Spake'a!

LIAM NEESON: Speaking is not an indication of intelligence or a good marketing toy.

JAR JAR: How Wude.

EWAN MCGREGOR: What?!? Master, I cannot understand this... thing...

JAR JAR: Me's not'a thing. Me'sa Jar Jar Binks!

<EWAN activates his light-saber>

LIAM NEESON:No, Obi-wan. The Force has obviously guided us here to this creature.

EWAN MCGREGOR: Sure. The Force of "Product Marketing".

LIAM NEESON: Enough! This creature will guide us. He can help us get to the planet core so that we can get to the main city.




LIAM NEESON: Boy, these little air-breathing devices are great for swimming.

EWAN MCGREGOR: They sure are, master. Maybe we should have considered using them when the Trade Federation filled our room with poisonous gas earlier.

LIAM NEESON: Young Pupil, you have much to learn of the "living force" and "dramatic writing".

JAR JAR: I'ma home'a! Who'sa here'a to greet me'sa? Oh! Hi King!

KING: (Drooling all over himself) You'sa Bring these mechanics to the planet. Get out!

LIAM NEESON: It's not my fault! It's not my fault! Look, we need a ship to get the the main Naboo city.

KING: (Drooling over himself) Okey. You can have a transport. The fastest way is through the Planet Core!

EWAN MCGREGOR:Master, I do not understand. Are we going through the planet core to get enough velocity to break the planet's atmosphere?

LIAM NEESON: Wrong movie, young pupil. That is "Lost In Space" you speak of, a movie riddled with poor science. Little do you know that the Planet Core is actually made up of water.

JAR JAR:Hey'sa! What about Me'sa!

LIAM NEESON: No one likes you. You look fake, and your English is horrible. Stay here.

JAR JAR: Lucas say you'sa gotta take me'sa with you.

LIAM NEESON: Alright, I suppose. Since Master Lucas commands it.

EWAN MCGREGOR: But how will we explain this to the audience?

LIAM NEESON:"We will need a guide through the planet core".

EWAN MCGREGOR: This stinks of marketing.


LIAM NEESON:This is a fantastic ship! It's small enough to fit in most creature's mouths, and it has a really long spinning tail, perfect for attracting hungry creatures! What did you call it?

EWAN MCGREGOR: The "U.s.s. Bait"

JAR JAR: So How'sa you'sa gonna find you'sa way to the city?

LIAM NEESON: "The Force Will Guide Us"

EWAN MCGREGOR: But master! I though Jar Jar was to guide us!

AUDIENCE:"Plot Hole!"

<The U.S.S. BAIT arrives at the main city>

EWAN MCGREGOR: Boy, it's a good thing Godzilla was following us, otherwise those other creature would have eaten us for sure!

LIAM NEESON:Indeed. The mind of Lucas works in mysterious ways. Let's go get the Queen and then find a way home. I'm sure there will be a transport ready to go in the landing bay! I'm also sure the Queen and the landing bay will be lightly guarded.

EWAN MCGREGOR: What about this Jar Jar creature?

LIAM NEESON:Although it is more logical for him to stay here on his home planet, we must take him with us when we leave. So is the will of Lucas.

EWAN MCGREGOR:This stinks of Marketing.




The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.

NATALIE PORTMAN: I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.

EVIL ALIEN: I'm so sorry, Amidala.

NATALIE PORTMAN: No, no, I'm Padme now.

EVIL ALIEN: I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.

NATALIE PORTMAN: No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. Didn't the blatant voice changes help?

EVIL ALIEN: Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!




PILOT:We're Hit! The Engines are damaged! They can only be repaired from the outside for some reason! Send the Droids!

<The R-2 units race out to the engines>

PILOT:That little droid did it! The Engines are repaired! Set for Full Speed and Evasive Manauvers! Don't worry about the droid, StarWars Physics dictates that he won't fall off.

PERSONAL GUARD:This little droid saved our butts.

QUEEN:Yes, he must be commended. Let us spend several more minutes praising this droid needlessly. Especially since he was created expressly for purpose of ship repairs.




JAKE LLOYD: Hi there! Golly I'm cute.

NATALIE PORTMAN: (Licking her lips) You certainly are, little boy.

JAKE LLOYD: Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna boink you in episode two?

JAR JAR:You'sa gonna rob da cradle, Queenee Amidala?


JAKE LLOYD:It's still illegal in 46 states, whatever your name is.

JAKES'S MOM:We are slaves here. We all have a little device in our bodies. If we stray too far...

JAKE LLOYD:Boooomm!! They Bloooowww you up!!

LIAM NEESON:For heavan's sake, who wrote this script? And please take some acting lessons, kid.

LIAM NEESON: Manakin, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.

JAKE LLOYD:The name is "Anakin".

LIAM NEESON:Not with *your* acting skills.

JAKE'S MOM: No, I won't allow him to pod race. If he gets hurt I'll just die. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.




HOLOGRAM OF QUEEN'S Asst.: People are dying by the thousands. You must contact us immediately!

LIAM NEESON:It sounds like a trap! Don't let anyone send a message, it'll surely be traced!

EWAN MCGREGOR:Yes, master.


ON Corascant where its DARK, TO MAKE IT LOOK EVIL


DARTH MAUL:If the trace was correct, they are at Tattoine. Finally we can reveal ourselves to the Jedi.

AUDIENCE:"Plot Hole!"




ANNOUNCER: Hey there all you crazy cats out there. Welcome to the weekly Pod Race! I'm Bob, and I've been hired by Lucas to be your announcer! We wanted to get a more realistic announcer, but then Lucas wanted to make it more fun for the 7-year old audience out there, so direct from the ESPN offices, here we are!


NATALIE PORTMAN:This Pod Race sure is taking a long time.

LIAM NEESON:Well, there's not much of a plot on the other planets, so we have to spend as much time on Tatooine as we possibly can.

GEORGE LUCAS VOICE OVER: Besides, Jar Jar toys aren't doing too well for some reason, so we needed something in the movie that we could make a video game out of... "Nintendo Pod Racing!"

<JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, 3PO. >

AUDIENCE: He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?

GEORGE LUCAS: Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?





LIAM NEESON:Anakin! Tell them to take off!

<The Light Saber Dual Begins>


EWAN MCGREGOR:What was it?

LIAM NEESON:Not sure, but it was trained well in the Jedi Arts.

EWAN MCGREGOR:Wow. Good thing he only used half of this light saber to fight you. It's still too early in the movie to kill you off.




LIAM NEESON: I want to train this boy.

YODA: Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.

LIAM NEESON: Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.

LIAM NEESON: The boy has the highest midichlorian count we have ever seen. If you won't train him, what're you going to do with him?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON:Kill the bastard!

EWAN MCGREGOR:He has a point, master. You said it yourself: His acting sucks.

LIAM NEESON:I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.




IAN MCDIARMID (As senetor Palpatine): Damn I'm evil.




PILOT:I'm detecting one ship

EWAN MCGREGOR:We haven't much time, we must hurry!

PILOT:Yes, it's quite fortunate that the Trade Federation left only one ship (out of several dozen) behind to protect the planet. And what luck! The ship is a command center for ALL the Droids on the planet! CLEVER!




NATALIE PORTMAN: I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.

BOSS NASS: One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?

NATALIE PORTMAN: No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.

They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares? Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. Apparently he is meant to be EVIL.

Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care.

Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die, especially Jar Jar. Sadly, Jar Jar survives and is captured, even though Darth Sidious clearly said "Wipe them out... all of them."


JAKE LLOYD:Qui-Gon said that I should take acting lessons and stay in this cockpit, so that's what I'm going to do!


JAKE LLOYD:Boy, I'm so glad that this ship didn't have a pre-installed R2 unit, unlike the other fighters. I don't know how else we would have gotten you on this ship. Wow! This ship is even pre-configured to automatically fly towards the enemy command ship! Wow!

Anakin takes off into space to join the space-battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit (and we love his spinning trick!)




MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.

AUDIENCE: Whoa! This is really cool! This room they're fighting in looks much more advanced and much cooler than the rest of the planet!

Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.

DARTH MAUL(menacing as hell): Grrr.

Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song entitled "Qui-Gon's Funeral". He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life.

EWAN MCGREGOR: Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.

DARTH MAUL(still being menacing) : Muahahahaha.

Suddenly, EWAN notices LIAM's lightsaber. EWAN is glad that LIAM's lightsaber has bright red, candy-like non-child proof button. Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.




JAKE LLOYD: Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute.

JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to shit.

JAKE LLOYD: Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave, Artoo!

They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.




YODA:"Always two there are. No less. A master and an apprentice"

SAMAUEL L. JACKSON:"But which was destroyed? The master or the apprentice?" (I had to say "Master and Apprentice" again, to make sure all the unintelligent seven-year-olds understood what I was talking about.)

JAKE LLOYD:Why isn't Qui-Gon's beard and hair burning in the fire?

EWAN MCGREGOR:The midichlorians have a highest concentration there, silly.




The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues, with lots of bright colours and happy music. Mickey, Donald, and PLUTO are hamming it up for the kids.

AUDIENCE: Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray!

Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.

GEORGE LUCAS: Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now, go buy some Star Wars toys!

4. From John Johnson, a list of the US Nuclear arsenal (in case some of you were worried we didn't have enough). From The High Energy Weapons Archive. To get this list on a web page, goto: US Arsenal

Complete List of All U.S. Nuclear Weapons 

© Steve Langer, 1995-2000