SeaViews: Insights from the Gray
(formerly the _Rochester Rag_, formerly the _News
Motto: The surest way to get a reputation for
being a trouble maker these days is to go about repeating
the very phrases that the Founders used in the struggle for
-- C.A. Beard
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On last month's Fix;
the answer to last month's Fix,
"Is it ever acceptable for a nation to involve itself in
the internal affairs (by military means) of another? Is it
acceptable by other means (campaign contributions,
financially, etc.) "
I think some people were confused by the wording
of this question. What was meant was, is it ever acceptable
to try to do good by involving oneself in the civil military
unrest of another nation? Obviously, responding to a direct
attack (ie Pearl Harbor) is a case of self defense and is
morally unassailable. Perhaps less automatic, but still
acceptable if US interests are at stake is leaping to the
defense of an invaded nation (ie when Iraq invaded Kuwait).
But should we jump into the internal affairs of other
There are numerous examples. For instance, the French
helped us against the Brits (and their hired Hessians) in
1776 in the war for US independance. There are also less
sterling examples like the 1963 Bay of Pigs invasion of
Let's look at the stated reasons for getting into Kosovo.
There was "massive" ethnic cleansing going on (although not
as massive as in China or Africa I'll bet) and we (ie the US
and NATO) wanted to provide an independant state for Kosovar
Albanians. Well, lets see. The last time the US and its
allies tried to make a home for a people they created Israel
- and that's been an example of peace hasn't it?
OK. Now what was the stated winning strategy for Kosovo?
To get the Kosovars to live in peace and prosperity. Well,
they've pretty much been ejected from their country, and any
that go back will likely face death squads and starvation
since none of the fields have been planted and likely won't
be until the land mines are cleared - which could take at
least a year.
So who has won here? [For an answer, see the
Milisovic "surrender" speech in the Letters
The older I get, the smarter I think Star Trek's creator
Gene Roddenberry was. The Federation has the Prime
Directive, which basically said that it could not interfere
militarily, culturally or in any other way with a soveriegn
world unless either
a) The habitants expressly asked for aid or
b) The planet was part of the Federation
Picard/Riker in 2000?
On a Personal Loss;
Charlie Scripter's father Frank passed away earlier this
month. For those of you who don't know, "Chuck" and I were
roomie's at MSU and I got to spending a lot of time at the
Scripter's horse ranch. Later when Chuck went to Houghton
and I to Detroit, I continued to spend my weekends and alot
of weekdays at the ranch while I was working on my
dissertation and building the project in the high bay of the
MSU cyclotron. During the day Frank would try to teach me
something about horse handling, while in the evening we'd go
back to the house and have long talks about history and
politics. I learned a lot from Frank and miss him.
none this month
1. David Gay sends a copy of the "surrender" speech by
From: "David H. Gay" <email@example.com>
To: Steven Langer <sglanger@Oakland.edu>
Subject: Endof War in Ygoslavia
Here is an example of foreign contributions for
elections. However, unlike the Clinton/Algore election where
foreign money was no big deal, this is considered "evil"
since the receiving group is perceived as being
This group the BNP (British National Party) has more in
common with the Nazi's (a left wing party see the Nazi 25
point platform http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/riseofhitler/25points.htm)
Reading the Nazi's 25 points you can see how much the
Liberal movement in the US has adopted and is pushing much
of this agenda. They also accuse the Conservatives and
Libertarians of being Nazi's!
Back to the main question of whether there is any reason
that one country should interfere in the internal affairs of
another sovereign nation. The more I think about it, the
more I think that there are very few reasons that would
justify intervention of any form. Certainly the US benefited
greatly with the help of the French in the Revolutionary
war, but suffered the German (Hessian) solders hired by the
British. However, I'm not sure it was proper, but the French
were putting their national interests first. Agreeing to
help maintain current borders and governments suppresses the
ability of the people to change their form of government. An
oppressive government cannot always be overthrown from
within especially when the citizens are disarmed and speech
is suppressed. However, if the government isn't overthrown
perhaps the citizens deserve the government they get.
When one country invades another, then there would be
cause to intervene militarily to stop the incursion. By this
argument World War II would have started months earlier and
the US would have been involved sooner. I'm not sure what
the verdict would have been for Viet Nam. I suspect we
wouldn't have been there.
How do you respond when one cliché suppresses
another within another country? Let them fight it out?
intervene? or look for a diplomatic solution? Here the
choice would certainly depend upon the relationship between
the nations. Are the countries neighbors, or located on
different continents? Is international trade effected?
Perhaps a strict interpretation of the US Constitution
provides some useful guidelines. If you look at how the
relationships between the individual States and the
relationship between the States and the Federal government
as a model. Then practical guidelines for intervention can
The best way to deal with oppression is to allow freer
movement of people from country to country and put the
strongest authority at the lowest level of government.
Higher levels would not dictate as much as it would police.
This would eliminate the need to intervene in other
countries affairs completely.
PS: Here are some interesting links.
Olvier North http://www.creators.com/opinion/pundits/nor.asp
Chip Bok http://www.creators.com/editorial/edcompag/bok.asp
[Ed: Late addition.]
I just read a translation of Milosevic's victory speech.
Assuming that this is the end of the war, we have come to an
interesting conclusion. Nobody died, at least not any
Americans, well except a few (2 I think) who died in
helicopter accidents and both sides declared victory! We
need to wait until this evening to hear what type of victory
Clinton claims for this war. I bet he uses some of his time
to blame the Republicans for not protecting Social
BELGRADE, Yugoslavia (AP) -- Here is a text of President
Slobodan Milosevic's televised address to the nation
Thursday following suspension of the NATO bombing campaign
and the beginning of the Serb withdrawal from Kosovo.The
remarks were delivered in Serbian and translated by
Dear citizens. Happy peace to us all!At this moment, our
thoughts go out to the heroes who have given their lives for
the defense of the fatherland in the struggle for freedom
and dignity of our nation. All their names will be announced
in full but at this moment I would like to inform you that
in the war which lasted exactly 11 weeks, from March 24
until today, 462 Yugoslav army soldiers and 114 police were
We shall never be able to repay them. We have to do what
we can. Our duty is to care for their families and repay
them by being forever ready to defend our freedom and
dignity of this land for which they laid down their lives.
The entire nation participated in this war -- from babies in
hospitals to intensive care unit patients, to soldiers in
air defense trenches and soldiers on the borders.No one will
forget the heroism of the defenders of the bridges, the
citizens who defended the factories, the squares and the
cities ... their state and their people. The people are the
heroes -- this may be the briefest conclusion of this war.
The people are the heroes and should feel like heroes and
behave as such: with dignity, nobility and
Throughout the rallies in this past year in our country,
one motto was often heard: We will not give up Kosovo. We
never gave up Kosovo. Today, the territorial integrity and
sovereignty is guaranteed by the G-8 nations, the U.N., This
guarantee is in the draft resolution.Open questions
regarding the possible independence of Kosovo in the time
before the aggression have been sealed with the Belgrade
agreement. The territorial integrity of our country can
never be questioned again.
We survived and defended the country and raised the
entire problem to the pinnacle of world authority, the
pyramid-- the United Nations.
The problem was returned to be solved under the auspices
of the United Nations and in tune with the U.N. Charter. The
troops due to be deployed in Kosovo will be under
U.N.auspices. These troops will have their prime
responsibility to ensure the safety of all citizens. Also
under the U.N. aegis, a political process will take place,
based on the principles already discussed and on the basis
of the sovereignty and territorial integrity of our
This political process can only involve the autonomy of
Kosovo and nothing else. By coming before the U.N., we have
not only defended our country but have brought back to the
world stage the U.N., which did not function for 80 days
before this aggression. This is our contribution to the
world: to prevent creation of a unipolar world, to prevent
the acceptance of a world based on the dictat from one
center. I think this contribution will be huge in history
and that the heroism of our people in the resistance to the
many-times stronger and bigger enemy will mark the end of
the 20th century. I am convinced of this.
We have shown that our army is invincible - I am sure the
best army in the world and by the army I mean the soldiers,
police, all forces of national defense. They showed the
entire world how one defends his nation, how unified and
strong we stood. Because the people were the army and the
army was the people.Never before have our people been so
united and never in our history did we have fewer cowards
who fled the country to await the war's end abroad in
safety. At this moment, we face many new problems which will
open many new duties at the end of the aggression and the
beginning of peace. To take care of the ones who need it the
most, the families of the killed, those who have been maimed
for life, all those workers and farmers and citizens whom
the war damaged and who need help. Everyone need help.
We face the reconstruction of the country. We shall begin
rebuilding our bridges immediately, our factories, our
roads, We have to restart again a great development to
reflect the vitality of all our citizens. And when I speak
of our people, I mean all citizens and nationalities. We
have defended the only multiethnic society left over as a
remnant of the former Yugoslavia -- this is another great
achievement of our defense. The forces that come to Kosovo
will serve peace, regardless from which countries they come
An army always follows the orders and the order here is
to protect the people and the peace. The work ahead will
require great mobilization. I think that the unity in these
difficult times is a major achievement which we have to
preserve in times ahead. I wish all citizens of Yugoslavia
much joy and success in reconstruction of our country!''
2. AZ Matt writes:
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999 12:12:50 -0700 (MST)
From: Matt Birkholz <firstname.lastname@example.org>
To: LANGER STEVEN C sglanger@Oakland.edu
> From: LANGER STEVEN C
> "Is it ever acceptable to interfere in the internal
> of another country?"
Of course it is! I can't think of a good reason right
now, but I am sure there IS. Maybe they bomb your Pacific
fleet? I know it is all about principle, but the real world
is messy. You ask if it is "ever" acceptable. If I say
"No!", then I have said "Never!". Whenever I hear THAT word,
I think someone is coming unglued from reality.
I think the Kosovo crisis is the usual stupid path of
oppression with the new twist of a third-party, technically
next-plane democracy finding it can slap the little tyrant
with impunity. It is an amusing but INCONSEQUENTIAL
More interesting to me is how to escape MY individual
bondage. I am keeping my eyes peeled for a
small-is-beautiful society that will not allow fully
one-third of its income to be focused in the hands of so few
- and thus hijacked for all manner of silly, self-defeating,
reactionary jihads (e.g. S&L "bailouts", a welfare
"system", regulatory solutions to "global warming", etc). If
you hear of anywhere where taxes are minimal (and mostly
real estate), where the equivalent of the FDA has a public
library's budget and there are 5 or 6 competing consumer's
unions, and where the Legislature meets for a State of the
Union address and then goes home, PLEASE let me know. If you
are ready to give up and start your own, let me know. It
will be a fun Gedanken experiment at least.
3. Doug writes from MN
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 21:56:21 -0500 (CDT)
From: Doug Wilken <email@example.com>
To: LANGER STEVEN C <sglanger@Oakland.edu>
Cc: Doug Wilken <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Re: lastcall
> This month the fix is,
> "Is it ever acceptable to interfere in the internal
affairs of another country?"
In the affairs of nations, might *does* make right. Those
pay- backs can be real painful, however. So it has always
been a good rule of thumb to remain uninvolved unless the
internal affairs of said country actually threaten your
interests, however they are defined. To do otherwise is to
prove that you are rather stupid and foolish. And perhaps a
bit too arrogant for your own safety.
If you haven't even taken the time to carefully define
your interests, in as objective a fashion as possible, you
are even more stupid.
If you take this as a comment on President Clinton and
his idiotic cabinet, you are correct. Of course in his case,
perhaps he has defined our national interest as "anything to
take the nation's attention away from my scandals". In which
case, he isn't dumb, just totally amoral.
Of course this is not strictly confined to Washington
D.C., if you haven't noticed Governor Jesse Ventura using
the office of the MN Governorship to sell books and make
money as a pertinent example. But I digress......
4. And Dave Dubey contributes some insiteful commentary
from the old 'hood.
Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 08:54:50 EDT
Just wanted to tell you I look forward to your magazine
I deleted your email with the question of the month, and I
remember what the question was. So I'll just send you
a couple of comments.
I was listening to Charlie Sykes (sp?) sometime last week
when he was
talking about the lawyers in the tobaco lawsuit. The
originally said they were owed somewhere around 850
million. Last week their
contract with Wisconsin got thrown out by the court. I
think it was because
it didn't have a cap, and all contracts with the state must
have caps, or be
void. Anyway, the lawyers signed a settlement with the state
the same day
as the court decision for about 90 million.
There is now new action in the
court get this contract thrown out. The lawyers have
still refused to show
records for the billing (which is being fought by 3
Anyway, the point I had to make was that Charlie said
basically legalized looting of legal businesses.
The politicians and lawyers
have found a way to steal large sums of money and have the
of it. Now that they have gotten away with it once, be
prepared to see it
happen with other industries. (Guns, Alcohol, and
whatever else has a sin
( ... remainder deleted 4/17/02 ...)
- Dave Dubey
Quote(s) of the month:
"Open questions regarding the possible independence of
Kosovo in the time before the aggression have been sealed
with the Belgrade agreement. The territorial integrity of
our country can never be questioned again."
-- Slobodon Milosivic, Serbian President, in his
Fix of the month:
How should political campaigns be funded?
1. Bainbridge Island, June 24: Due to the ongoing
negligence of their landlord, the Langer's basement flooded,
resulting in severe damage to their property and setting
back the production of this month's issue. The editor
1. June 30: The Washington Post mentions that Rep.
Presidential candidate George Bush junior has
put away more money in the last quarter for his campaign
war-chest then both leading Dems. (Al Gore and Sen. Bill
Bradley) have in total. The Post concludes that the Rep.
nomination is all but settled. Meanwhile, polls show that
any Rep. would beat Al Gore by at least 10% if the election
were held today. This is odd since during good economic
times, the incumbant Administration usually gets the credit.
Pundits conjecture that the polls show voters do not credit
the current Admin. with any credit for the current
1. So you think you have had a bad day ...
- The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special
ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were
released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from
onlookers. A minute later they both were eaten by a killer
- A psychology student in New York rented out her spare
room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study
his reactions. After weeks of nagging, he snapped and beat
her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally
- In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt
on the world flagpole - sitting record. Suffering from the
flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record,
only to find that his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend
had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut
- A women came home to find her husband in the kitchen,
shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to
jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a
handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in
two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.
-. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the
cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn.
Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through
a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless
protesters to death.
And the capper.....
- Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough
postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to
sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened
it and was blown to bits.
2. OK everyone, hold on, you asked, you pleaded. Here are
the 1998 DARWIN AWARDS!!!!!
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother
decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property
with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal
firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half
stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to
watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet
away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion
shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani.
Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out
to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car,
Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst
to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died
of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in
Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his
beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police,
Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a
semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional
revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male
choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed
from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't
think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as
"Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
#5 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a
colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his
bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a
knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a
heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the
spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
#6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance
when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a
tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the
other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison
and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself
at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The
bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above
him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea.
The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him
vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind
fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of
#7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man
tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first
attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous
record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choices as listed below:
- The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun
- The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to
carry concealed handguns in public places.
- To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked
Police patrol car parked at the front door.
- An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the
officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a
few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned
fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else
AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night
watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas
morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was
apparently attempting to keep warm next to a
telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a
safety violation once last year, according to Northern
Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted
that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety
shut-off switch in order to stand in front of the microwave
dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he
could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station,
where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in
the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his
Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of
beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly
in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not
been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned
that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday
long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered
by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an
odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must
have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR
company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had
3. Ok, the following is for those of you who are willing
to entertain the idea that Star Wars can be funny. Warning
SPOILER ALERT. Don't read this if you have not seen the
movie and want to have a virginal experience when you do. Oh
and this was written originally by some anonymous person,
and I edited it up some.
FADE IN: INTERIOR JEDI
LIAM NEESON: It is
vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the
EWAN MCGREGOR: I
agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets
is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot
of a Star Wars film.
FEDERATION SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK ]
EVIL ALIEN: Werr. What
wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevail.
I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
FEDERATION SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI ]
LIAM NEESON: I sense a
disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR: Well,
Suddenly, the room
fills with poisonous gas and numerous pieces of CGI
(Computer Generated Images) enter and begin attacking the
Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians
in their bodies to hold their breath for long periods of
time and destroy the CGI. They run outside.
EXTERIOR NABOO, LIAM
AND EWAN ARRIVE.
LIAM NEESON: These
droids have given us a great ride to the planet surface so
far, but we need to get out.
EWAN MCGREGOR: I
agree. There is no sense riding all the way to the main
city. We should get out now and hope to find an alien who
can take us to the Planet Core, and then to the main
THEY RUN UNTIL THEY
SMACK INTO SOME MORE CGI
JAR JAR: Who'sa might
LIAM NEESON: I am a
Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your
JAR JAR: I'sa see.
That is'a quite interesting. I'sa will guide you'sa to the
land from which I'sa have come'a.
SUDDENLY, GEORGE LUCAS
REALIZES THE JAR JAR TOYS AREN'T SELLING WELL
JAR JAR: (cont'd) Oh!
Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to
Jamaica mon, okeyday?
(staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really
staring at him) What?!? I don't understand what you are
JAR JAR: Weesa can go
to me'sa home and'a smokesa some ganja, mon.
EWAN MCGREGOR: What?!?
Do You'sa Speak'a English'a?
JAR JAR: I'sa
LIAM NEESON: Speaking
is not an indication of intelligence or a good marketing
JAR JAR: How
EWAN MCGREGOR: What?!?
Master, I cannot understand this... thing...
JAR JAR: Me's not'a
thing. Me'sa Jar Jar Binks!
<EWAN activates his
Obi-wan. The Force has obviously guided us here to this
EWAN MCGREGOR: Sure.
The Force of "Product Marketing".
LIAM NEESON: Enough!
This creature will guide us. He can help us get to the
planet core so that we can get to the main city.
IN THE UNDERWATER
LIAM NEESON: Boy,
these little air-breathing devices are great for
EWAN MCGREGOR: They
sure are, master. Maybe we should have considered using them
when the Trade Federation filled our room with poisonous gas
LIAM NEESON: Young
Pupil, you have much to learn of the "living force" and
JAR JAR: I'ma home'a!
Who'sa here'a to greet me'sa? Oh! Hi King!
KING: (Drooling all
over himself) You'sa Bring these mechanics to the planet.
LIAM NEESON: It's not
my fault! It's not my fault! Look, we need a ship to get the
the main Naboo city.
KING: (Drooling over
himself) Okey. You can have a transport. The fastest way is
through the Planet Core!
I do not understand. Are we going through the planet core to
get enough velocity to break the planet's
LIAM NEESON: Wrong
movie, young pupil. That is "Lost In Space" you speak of, a
movie riddled with poor science. Little do you know that the
Planet Core is actually made up of water.
JAR JAR:Hey'sa! What
LIAM NEESON: No one
likes you. You look fake, and your English is horrible. Stay
JAR JAR: Lucas say
you'sa gotta take me'sa with you.
LIAM NEESON: Alright,
I suppose. Since Master Lucas commands it.
EWAN MCGREGOR: But how
will we explain this to the audience?
LIAM NEESON:"We will
need a guide through the planet core".
EWAN MCGREGOR: This
stinks of marketing.
[EWAN, LIAM, and
JAR JAR, IN THE WATER TRANSPORT]
LIAM NEESON:This is a
fantastic ship! It's small enough to fit in most creature's
mouths, and it has a really long spinning tail, perfect for
attracting hungry creatures! What did you call
EWAN MCGREGOR: The
JAR JAR: So How'sa
you'sa gonna find you'sa way to the city?
LIAM NEESON: "The
Force Will Guide Us"
EWAN MCGREGOR: But
master! I though Jar Jar was to guide us!
<The U.S.S. BAIT
arrives at the main city>
EWAN MCGREGOR: Boy,
it's a good thing Godzilla was following us, otherwise those
other creature would have eaten us for sure!
The mind of Lucas works in mysterious ways. Let's go get the
Queen and then find a way home. I'm sure there will be a
transport ready to go in the landing bay! I'm also sure the
Queen and the landing bay will be lightly
EWAN MCGREGOR: What
about this Jar Jar creature?
it is more logical for him to stay here on his home planet,
we must take him with us when we leave. So is the will of
stinks of Marketing.
The queen appears over
some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology
than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.
NATALIE PORTMAN: I am
the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the
senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN: I'm so
NATALIE PORTMAN: No,
no, I'm Padme now.
EVIL ALIEN: I thought
when in the makeup, you were the queen.
NATALIE PORTMAN: No,
I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. Didn't the
blatant voice changes help?
EVIL ALIEN: Stop
trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or
Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!
ON THE SPACESHIP,
PILOT:We're Hit! The
Engines are damaged! They can only be repaired from the
outside for some reason! Send the Droids!
<The R-2 units race
out to the engines>
droid did it! The Engines are repaired! Set for Full Speed
and Evasive Manauvers! Don't worry about the droid, StarWars
Physics dictates that he won't fall off.
little droid saved our butts.
QUEEN:Yes, he must be
commended. Let us spend several more minutes praising this
droid needlessly. Especially since he was created expressly
for purpose of ship repairs.
INTERIOR TATOOINE -
SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD: Hi there!
Golly I'm cute.
(Licking her lips) You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD: Am I the
only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna boink you in
JAR JAR:You'sa gonna
rob da cradle, Queenee Amidala?
JAKE LLOYD:It's still
illegal in 46 states, whatever your name is.
JAKES'S MOM:We are
slaves here. We all have a little device in our bodies. If
we stray too far...
They Bloooowww you up!!
heavan's sake, who wrote this script? And please take some
acting lessons, kid.
LIAM NEESON: Manakin,
I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need
and free you.
JAKE LLOYD:The name is
LIAM NEESON:Not with
*your* acting skills.
JAKE'S MOM: No, I
won't allow him to pod race. If he gets hurt I'll just die.
(pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
ON TATOOINE, INSIDE
THE QUEEN'S SHIP
HOLOGRAM OF QUEEN'S
Asst.: People are dying by the thousands. You must contact
LIAM NEESON:It sounds
like a trap! Don't let anyone send a message, it'll surely
ON Corascant where its
DARK, TO MAKE IT LOOK EVIL
DARTH MAUL:If the
trace was correct, they are at Tattoine. Finally we can
reveal ourselves to the Jedi.
THE POD RACE
ANNOUNCER: Hey there
all you crazy cats out there. Welcome to the weekly Pod
Race! I'm Bob, and I've been hired by Lucas to be your
announcer! We wanted to get a more realistic announcer, but
then Lucas wanted to make it more fun for the 7-year old
audience out there, so direct from the ESPN offices, here we
THE POD RACE
Pod Race sure is taking a long time.
there's not much of a plot on the other planets, so we have
to spend as much time on Tatooine as we possibly
GEORGE LUCAS VOICE
OVER: Besides, Jar Jar toys aren't doing too well for some
reason, so we needed something in the movie that we could
make a video game out of... "Nintendo Pod
<JAKE wins! He has
to leave his mother, which will become very important in the
next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, 3PO.
AUDIENCE: He built
C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original
GEORGE LUCAS: Because
I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how
do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my
BACK AT THE QUEENS
AS THEY PREPARE TO
ENTER THE SHIP, DARTH MAUL APPEARS.
Tell them to take off!
<The Light Saber
LIAM JUMPS ON TO THE
SHIP, AND IT TAKES OFF.
EWAN MCGREGOR:What was
LIAM NEESON:Not sure,
but it was trained well in the Jedi Arts.
Good thing he only used half of this light saber to fight
you. It's still too early in the movie to kill you
INTERIOR CORUSCANT -
LIAM NEESON: I want to
train this boy.
YODA: Nope. Sorry. Too
old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries
LIAM NEESON: Well, he
is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm
SAMUEL L. JACKSON:
Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with
you, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin
bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has
a fuckin lightsaber.
LIAM NEESON: The boy
has the highest midichlorian count we have ever seen. If you
won't train him, what're you going to do with
SAMUEL L. JACKSON:Kill
EWAN MCGREGOR:He has a
point, master. You said it yourself: His acting
LIAM NEESON:I'm going
to go over your head and train him myself, then. So
IAN MCDIARMID (As
senetor Palpatine): Damn I'm evil.
TRANSPORT, ON THE WAY
BACK TO NABOO
haven't much time, we must hurry!
PILOT:Yes, it's quite
fortunate that the Trade Federation left only one ship (out
of several dozen) behind to protect the planet. And what
luck! The ship is a command center for ALL the Droids on the
PLANET NABOO: AT THE
NATALIE PORTMAN: I am
either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your
cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need
to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can
capture this one guy.
BOSS NASS: One guy?
The climax of this film revolves entirely around us
capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make
this whole thing kinda pointless?
NATALIE PORTMAN: No
more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves
around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic
little planet half-filled with annoying
They go after the bad
guy or whatever. Who cares? Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for
a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black
cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and
black face paint, and has horns. Apparently he is meant to
Meanwhile, the Naboo
people go after this one insignificant guy and we really
Meanwhile, the Gungans
go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except
we want the Gungans to die, especially Jar Jar. Sadly, Jar
Jar survives and is captured, even though Darth Sidious
clearly said "Wipe them out... all of them."
THE LANDING BAY]
said that I should take acting lessons and stay in this
cockpit, so that's what I'm going to do!
JAKE LLOYD:Boy, I'm so
glad that this ship didn't have a pre-installed R2 unit,
unlike the other fighters. I don't know how else we would
have gotten you on this ship. Wow! This ship is even
pre-configured to automatically fly towards the enemy
command ship! Wow!
Anakin takes off into
space to join the space-battle, which is mostly over by the
time he arrives. We care a little bit (and we love his
INTERIOR SOME KIND OF
THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN
all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of
effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times
better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars
AUDIENCE: Whoa! This
is really cool! This room they're fighting in looks much
more advanced and much cooler than the rest of the
Suddenly, we go back
to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the
time. Eventually, we return to the good one.
DARTH MAUL(menacing as
Eventually, MAUL stabs
LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us
who bought the film score which has a song entitled
"Qui-Gon's Funeral". He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN
grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear
EWAN MCGREGOR: Well,
you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little
question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.
DARTH MAUL(still being
menacing) : Muahahahaha.
Suddenly, EWAN notices
LIAM's lightsaber. EWAN is glad that LIAM's lightsaber has
bright red, candy-like non-child proof button. Slowly, EWAN
uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the
shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice
MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does
nothing at all. He dies.
JAKE LLOYD: Whoaaaaa!
I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm
JAKE goes into a
hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He
accidentally blows it to shit.
JAKE LLOYD: Uh oh! I
better leave! Let's leave, Artoo!
They exit quickly. The
ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes
everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a
serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick
YODA:"Always two there
are. No less. A master and an apprentice"
JACKSON:"But which was destroyed? The master or the
apprentice?" (I had to say "Master and Apprentice" again, to
make sure all the unintelligent seven-year-olds understood
what I was talking about.)
JAKE LLOYD:Why isn't
Qui-Gon's beard and hair burning in the fire?
midichlorians have a highest concentration there,
EXTERIOR - THE STREETS
The Gungans are
dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues, with
lots of bright colours and happy music. Mickey, Donald, and
PLUTO are hamming it up for the kids.
Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced
me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care
of is actually really significant! Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE
realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie
cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the
future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come
into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually
been resolved, but thousands more have been
GEORGE LUCAS: Three
years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work
very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due
to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now, go buy
some Star Wars toys!
4. From John Johnson, a list of the US Nuclear arsenal
(in case some of you were worried we didn't have enough).
High Energy Weapons Archive. To get this list on a
web page, goto: US
Complete List of All U.S. Nuclear Weapons