On last month's Fix;
the answer to last month's Fix,
"If you were Clinton's campaign advisor for '96, how would you win?"is
First, I think it's likely that Ross Perot will come out and steal from both parties again, although this time it will probably work against Bill. Also, the economy is slowing just in time for an election year recession. The best thing Bill could do (as some of you point out below) is to escalate Bosnia into a shooting war. And Bill's willy nilly strategy in Bosnia makes sense if seen in this light.
In any case, it's tough to have much regard for any of the front running Reps either. Both Dole and Cal. Govnr. Pete Wilson's sudden embrace of anti-Affirmative-Action stances go against their voting histories and are an obvious pandering to current polls. Dick Army's "flat" tax proposal is loaded with enough loopholes to drive a truck through and no Rep., including loose cannon Gingrich (who is not running?) have the courage to mount a serious drive to repeal the recent assaults on the Bill of Rights.
So, if he can get into a war, Bill will probably win. If not, we'll get a Rep. who may make a half hearted attempt to roll back taxes and diminish the deficit. All in all, the slide toward diminishing liberty will continue.
On another Media Blind Spot:
Notice how the nightly news broadcasts took just enough time from the Simpson and murderous mother trials to cover the tearful story of a teenage girl who may have been raped by David Koresh? Aside from the McNeil/Lehrer NewsHour and CSPAN, not one TV news show has bothered to ask why the BATF was called to lay siege to Mt. Carmel for a possible statutory rape. And isn't it curious how the Whitewater hearings go completely uncovered, except to mention how this is just another Rep. witch hunt? Well fear not! I will help fill this deficit.
From the July 23 New York Times we have;
On the 50 Anniversary of the Bomb;
Peter Jennings had a 90 minute special tonight (July 27) to mark this "low point of American ethics." For those of you who watched, no further comment is necessary, for those who did not, Jenning's thesis came down to this;
Imagine. A Commander in Chief who considers the poor grunt. Shocking.
On a Different Viewpoint;
I am working on putting together a voice recognition (VR) system for radiologists to dictate reports directly into MS-Word. While reading a news group related to VR (which has many "disabled" participants) I came across someone who apparently is physically challenged in some way. She signed off her posting,
"Working for products that can even be used by the temporarily able bodied."
Fri Jul 7 14:27:02 EDT 1995 Article: 31718 of alt.politics.usa.constitution Path: news1.oakland.edu!warp.cris.com!NewsWatcher!user From: email@example.com (John Michael Scalzi, II) Newsgroups: alt.politics.usa.constitution Subject: Column I wrote about the Flag Burning Amendment. Date: 4 Jul 1995 05:18:39 GMT Organization: Aliens Are Sucking My Eye Jelly, Inc. Here's a column I wrote for the Fresno Bee newspaper on the Flag-Burning Amendment. It ran on 7/2/95.------------ The hideous, bloated mass of cane toads that we endearingly call the 104th House of Representatives has gone and done it again: they've voted to amend the Constitution of the United States in places it needs no amending. This time it's a "flag-burning" amendment, a proposal that reads in its entirety "The Congress and the States shall have the power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States." In one swipe, this proposed amendment guts the entire purpose of the First Amendment (to provide for free expression of ideas, no matter how unpopular), and alters the symbolic content of the American flag from a proud ensign of freedom and liberty to a suspect banner whose supposed protection flies against everything it had previously represented. In short, the flag will change from something well worth cherishing to something well worth burning. This is in character for the House, which is apparently incapable of reading the Constitution of the United States without moving its collective lips. My first impulse, of course, was to go out and do a little flag toasting myself. But I figure every other excitable boy and girl in this great land of ours is thinking the same thing. Besides, if the Senate loses its bladder control, and the States do likewise, it's entirely possible I'd go to the slammer. And while being a political prisoner in the previously politically free United States has an appeal, jail itself is a bummer. I'd be inside, where large, tattooed fellows with bad teeth would be calling me "girlfriend", while the idiots who passed the amendment would be roaming around freely, thinking up of new ways to chop the Constitution into a fine pate. Which is the exact opposite of the way it should be. No, the best way to fight this amendment is to undermine it from the word Go, to prove (without having to be incarcerated) how stupid and pointless this thing would be. So right here and now I promise: the day the 38th state legislature passes this amendment into law, I go into business for myself. Making what? Flags, of course. What kind of flags? Well, I'll tell you. The flag I have in mind has 13 stripes, alternating red and white. In the top left hand corner, I figure I'd put a blue rectangle, and fill it with white, five-pointed stars, in alternating rows of five and six, numbering, oh, about 50 or so. But where that last star would go, maybe I'd put a circle instead, or a square, or a pentagon, seeing that's it's five sided and all. It'd be 99% the Flag of United States of America, and 1% filler. It would look like that American flag, it would feel like an American flag, and if I ran it up a flagpole, someone would probably salute it like an American flag. And why not? It's close enough in form and content to evoke all the responses that the American flag would. I'd bet you that even from a close distance, most folks would swear that's what it is. But it's not. What to call it? Something catchy, like "Not The Flag of the United States," "United States Flag Substitute," or, my personal favorite,"I Can't Believe It's Not the American Flag!" What could I do with my new flag? Why, just about anything I wanted: Bob: Say, John, what are you doing over there? Me: Well, Bob, I'm thinking of roasting this here entire pig on the hibachi! But first I must stoke the cooking fire! Bob: Say, John, isn't that the Constitutionally-protected American flag that you are laying over those red hot charcoal briquettes? Me: It sure looks that way, doesn't it? But see that tiny white dot over there? Bob (squinting): Why yes I do! It's so small! Me: Thanks to that trivial detail, this is Not The Flag of the United States! And I can burn it at will! Bob: Hey, that's great! Could I use your United States Flag Substitute? I've got a heap of leaves in the back yard I need to take care of! Me: Sure, Bob! It makes great kindling! I could wear it, wax my car, swaddle small, incontinent children,potty-train my turtle, towel off after mud wrestling, turn it into a hammock, use it as bandages in a emergency situation or just shred it into fibers with a weed-whacker. Whatever I wanted. God forbid I would want to burn something in political protest, I could set it aflame outside the steps of the United States House of Representatives. I'd be in the clear, burning my exactly-like-an-American-flag-except-for-one-small-detail flag, while all the anti-flag burning types would seethe, because they know and FEEL in their guts that I'm burning the American flag and getting off on a mere technicality. All their work would be for nothing, which is precisely and exactly my point. If you want people to revere and honor the flag, you should let it stand for principles that are worth honoring and revering. Compulsory reverence is no reverence at all. Just remember, I'm standing by with my new flags. I bet you I'd sell a LOT of them.-- John Michael Scalzi, II Film Critic/General Columnist, The Fresno Bee My opinions are my own. Mine mine mine! Go go go! Back back back! http://www.cybergate.com/~scalzi
>From firstname.lastname@example.org Thu Jul 13 09:12:19 1995 > > ATF SUMMER CAMP A HOTBED OF RACIAL HATE > > The Washington Times (7/11/95) reports that despite a pending lawsuit > against the ATF for racism, a summer camp for ATF agents called the > "Good O' Boys Roundup" was still awash with racist sentiment. > > All who attended were welcomed at the entrance with many racist signs, > including one that read: > > "Nigger Check Point" > > The ATF camp maintains a whites only policy. All black ATF agents who > attempted to attend were turned away. White agents inside were reportedly > "real mad" about the attempts of black agents to attend. That the signs > were hung at the entrance indicates that all who attended had no problem > with the ATF's promotion of hard-core racism at the retreat. > > There were many T-shirts promoting racial hatred and murder on sale at the > ATF summer camp, such as one with a target superimposed over the face of > Martin Luther King Jr. It would seem that the ATF approves of the killing > of Dr. King. > > Also available at the ATF hate camp were "Nigger Hunting Licenses." > If promoting the murder of black leaders is not bad enough, ATF agents > even promote random killings of blacks. > > In a vain attempt to distance the ATF from the promotion of racial hate > and murder at the ATF summer camp, ATF spokesman Earl Woodham claimed the > event has never been sanctioned by the ATF. However, for years the local > ATF office has been the place to send in registration fees and to call > for info about the ATF summer hate camp. The agents at this office declined > to say if they ever attended one of the "round ups" over the years. > > One ATF official said "I am not surprised about the signs or other activities > [at the camp]." A former law enforcement officer who has attended the > camp this year and in the past said, "The roundup has been a place for law > enforcement personnel to go and let their hair down." So it would seem that > hatred and a lust for murdering oppressed people reflects the true nature > of these "law enforcement" personnel. "Jack-booted thugs" is soft-balling it. > > The pending lawsuit launched by 15 plaintiffs charges that KKK information > and "Nigger Hunting Licenses" have been displayed in many ATF offices. The > suit also claims widespread racial slurs and harassment by ATF personnel. > > All information presented here is derived from The Washington Times > (7/11/95) front page article "Racist ways die hard at lawmen's retreat." > > > ************************************************************************ Microslut and UnIntel can eat their hearts out. Someone has already beaten them to the punch with realtime video available on the web. :) http://indy14.cs.monash.edu.au:8000/~jmc/indy09.html Have a look for yourself. ****************************************************** This speaks for itself. Doh! > Date: Wed, 5 JUL 95 19:30:03 EDT > From: Jeanne Goodman
> Subject: Albert DeSalvo Honored > > Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of > Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend Albert de > Salvo for his unselfish service to ``his country, his state and his > community.'' > > The resolution stated that ``this compassionate gentleman's dedication and > devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the > nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future. He > has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his noted > activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and > applied psychology.'' The resolution was passed unanimously. > > Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion to > show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without reading > them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the Boston > Strangler. ******************************************************** Remember Steve's required reading list at UW-Madison for Poli Sci majors? I think I've found a new one to add to either that list or the required reading for potential federal agents. "Rimm, Martin (1995), "The Pornographer's Handbook; How to Exploit Women, Dupe Men, & Make Lots of Money," Carnegie, March (ISBN 0962547654). " ****************************************************** > A reminder for letters for this this month's "News". Also, in the > interest of maintaining a lighter tone, I'd also appreciate any > humourous anecdotes from your respective locales. Try to keep > them under 100 words each, if at all possible. > > And please include your response to last month's survey. > > "You're Clinton's campaign advisor for '96. How do you win?" Easy. Follow comrade Hitler. Go on national TV and declare that the pending economic/social collapse is far worse than you ever imagined and that it was those evil Republicans who did it and then hid the facts. Clinton declares himself dictator for life and then orders the army to storm GOP HQ and begin systematically executing Republicans. > You've got 7 days. That's either about how long his coup would last or how long it would take, depending on just how stupid the sheeple have gotten. Hurrah for Barney!
2. Los Alamos John provides some serious thoughts.
>From email@example.com Sun Jul 23 19:56:29 1995 >"You're Clinton's campaign advisor for '96. How do you win?" > >You've got 7 days. > >your humble editor, steve If you are Clinton's campaign advisor, you win by quitting and going to work for someone else. There is no way that Clinton won't be challenged this time and, as it has been so many times in the past 20 years, that will further erode what little public support he has - even if he holds onto the party nomination. The only way Clinton has a chance is if the Republicans are splintered and there is a strong Independent candidate. John
3. Brian Donahue writes;
>From firstname.lastname@example.org Sun Jul 23 22:56:53 1995 Here's a little thing Rafe sent me, on the lighter side... "In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve my son's rat." Dick Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, "My son left the cage door open so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage," He explained. "As usual, it looked for a good place to hide and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball." Stone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks.
4. Rafe Donahue writes;
>From email@example.com Mon Jul 24 10:30:57 1995 Stevie, Recall the line from the teen movie War Games: "The only winning move is not to play." Of course, that assumes an intelligent opponent and truth. I suppose that Slick Willie will use what he used in the 92 campaign: lies, mistruths, and gross misinformation. And shady land deals. Rafe
5. And Texas Tom wins hands down the humor award for political advice.
>From ApogeeTom@aol.com Mon Jul 24 13:24:09 1995 > "You're Clinton's campaign advisor for '96. How do you win?" 1. Assassinate Bob Dole. 2. Get Phil Gramm's fingerprints on the gun. 3. Take a stance on SOMEthing. 4. Dump Hillary and run on a "Clinton/Madonna" ticket. 5. Switch to being a Republican candidate. 6. Change your name to "Bill Dole" and hope for the confusion vote. 7. Stop world hunger, ensure world peace, and invent workable cold fusion. 8. Send hookers to the heads of the largest U.S. corporations. 9. Stop jogging in public. 10. Write a tell-all book about your sexual exploits, then use funds to buy off 51% of the voting public. If you need more dough, sell movie rights. And a word of advice to grill buyers: set your grill up at least two days before you want to use it. The instructions may call for more than you think. (I just had a grill party, and almost missed grilling because of a last-minute set-up.) Later, Tom
6. And from across the pond, David Gay writes;
>From firstname.lastname@example.org Mon Jul 24 15:11:27 1995 Steve, Here is some international advice to help Clinton. I am not sure how much of it will be tilted for him to win the election over here, which would not count for much. 1) Get rid of Warren Christopher and give the Secretary of State job to somebody who has a media presence and knows something about international politics. Hillary would fit the first requirement, but not the second. 2) Since it is hard to vote out an incumbant during a war, Bill needs to find a war. One suggestion would be to drag out the Bosnian situtation until September '96, without involving US troops. Then get Bosnia to bomb Hawaii (for example, it worked for Roosevelt), so he can declare war on them and send in the troops. It is important to work out the timing better than Bush with Iraq, where the war ended too early. I mean too early to help in the election, well, I suppose too early for the other thing as well. 3) Bill needs to be seen to be making real decisions that make sense, for example Haitian invasion where he was seen to be making a decision and it was obviously incorrect. 4) Put a muzzle on Hillary. Cheers, Dave -- David H. Gay email: email@example.com Royal Institution of Great Britain 21 Albemarle Steet Phone: +44 (0)171-409-2992 LONDON W1X 4BS, UK Fax: +44 (0)171-629-3569
7. Arizona Matt pens;
>From firstname.lastname@example.org Tue Jul 25 15:09:45 1995 "You're Clinton's campaign advisor for '96. How do you win?" Personally, I would promise anybody anything, collect several million dollars in legal influence pedaling, then join Arthur C. Clarke in Sri Lanka where, I trust, I will not be bothered unless I bother someone else (a luxury in rare supply in the righteously religious U.S.). That is how *I* would "win". (My current plans, not being a Washington insider, are to write a really cool computer program and collect a million or two.) I look forward to y'all's scathing criticisms. Matt Birkholz
PGP 2.6.2 Public Key ID = 74305425 Key Fingerprint = B3 34 FB 3E 3C FE E8 57 AA B4 B2 95 A7 C0 1E AF
8. And NC STate Jeff writes;
>From email@example.com Wed Jul 26 16:31:58 1995 Hi, > "You're Clinton's campaign advisor for '96. How do you win?" I beg and plead for your advice because you are always right. hope things are fine, Jeff
9. And Minnesota Doug is on Cloud 9.
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 95 04:54:11 CDT From: "Douglas Wilken"
Dear Steve, I think I have a simple answer to this: "Mr. President, you must pretend to have the middle-ground position at all times. Always paint your adversaries as being out of touch with the majority of right-thinking Americans." I may be a bit suspicious, but I could swear this is what he is currently doing. I now own a mortgage, I mean a house. :) Send snail-mail to PO Box 591 Foley, MN 56329 For e-mail, please use firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com -Doug
Ed: Say Doug, glad to see you're on the net again. Who you workin for?
10. And finally, Keeweenaw Chuck found time to write this voluminous column.
>From firstname.lastname@example.org Fri Jul 28 16:27:48 1995 Subject: Survey Says... > "You're Clinton's campaign advisor for '96. How do you win?" Dump Clinton and find a _real_ candidate... ;-) ;-) --Charles
-- Former Sen. and Secy. of the Treasury Lloyd Bensen (D. Texas) passing the buck to Jan Reno during House Waco hearings. Of course, BATF initiated the raid and is under the jurisdiction of the Treasury.
Ed: Of course, the last metro area of 2 million that I lived in (Detroit), had 64 murders by the end of Feb. Sort of puts things in perspective.
2. July 26: The state is looking at the private sector to set up a plan for toll roads across the state. This, it is claimed, will reduce the rate at which state income taxes will grow. Yeah, right.
3. July 31, NPR: A legislative research group which reports directly to the state legislature has announced its findings on the effects of Minnesota Care (a Clintonesque 3'rd party payer system administered by the state for those who have no independant health insurance). In sum;
Ed: Langer's law 27
"Liberals define fairness as having the odds stacked in their favor."
2. July 25: Clinton Budget Director Leon Panetta has sworn to halt education monies to California if the Univ. Regents go ahead with their promise to end Affirmative Action admissions guidelines. This is interesting for two reasons: a) It was only last month when the Clinton Admin. was fighting the decision of the Armed Forces base closure advisory council. Clinton and Panetta argued that California had already been hit hard enough financially. b) This reaffirms the impression that Washington D.C. "owns" all the nation's money and the states and citizens are graciously permitted a small allowance.
Newsgroups: alt.politics.usa.constitution,talk.politics.guns Subject: Re: Unorganized militia Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 04:06:30 -0600 Organization: New Mexico State University In article <email@example.com>, firstname.lastname@example.org (Barbara O'Brien) wrote: "... but every State shall always keep up a well regulated and disciplined militia, sufficiently armed and accoutred, and shall provide and constantly have ready for use, in public stores, a due number of field pieces and tents, and a proper quanittity of arms, ammunition and camp equipage." Notice that under the Articles the militia was not self-armed, but armed from state-maintained armories. ******************************************8 Barbara, Bzzzt! 100% Wrong. Supreme Court Justice McReynolds, (U.S. v. Miller 307 U.S. at 178-179 (1939)) writing for the majority states: "The Militia comprised all males physically capable of acting in concert for the common defense... and further, that ordinarily when called for service, these men were expected to appear *bearing arms supplied by themselves and of the kind in common use at the time.* The possession of arms also implied the possession of ammunition, and authorities paid quite as much attention to the latter as the former." [emphasis mine] The text of the Militial Act of 1792 corroborates the accuracy of Justice McReynolds' comments. The supply depots you mentioned typically retained items such as boots and blankets, in addition to tents, munitions, and arms _ essentials that from time to time might fall in short supply. However, there was no requirement whatsoever, that such essential items should come exclusively from these stores. As a matter of fact, according to an A&E documentary of the Revolutionary War, aired nationwide on Monday, July 3, members of the *regular* Continental Army were *given* their issue muskets as the prized gift of a grateful government, with their discharge at the war's end. Our present government does not seem to have the same faith in the loyalty and judgement of its citizens that theirs did. Jim Hill's common-sense suppositions on this matter are quite correct: Conditions at the time, especially in the more remote frontier communities, were such that it was not always prudent or possible to assemble the militia, march it over to the armory and issue weapons _ even if they had wanted to: To the contrary, incidents of predation by wild animals, random marauding by Indians or outlaws, surprise raids during the French & Indian Wars, etc., all tended to select for an environment in which arms were close at hand _ usually propped in a corner or closet, or hung on the wall, out of the reach of young children. British troops confiscated almost 2,000 small arms, just from those citizens who wanted to leave occupied Boston, alone: Bear in mind that this is an *urban* environment, rather than a frontier community where arms were of vital significance for their economic importance and importance as a survival tool. In these areas, they provided a steady supply of fresh meat and were a key factor in the provision of furs and other trade goods, in addition to being relied upon for emergency defense. Private ownership of arms in these communities was virtually universal. Now, question: was your argument made in ignorance, or was this attempt to ignore the legal/political history of the entire 18th and 19th centuries deliberate bad faith and on your part? Frankly, I suspect the latter. I find it difficult to believe that you are engaging in anything other than wishful thinking and a willful suspension of your own intellectual integrity. I think I speak for the majority here on TPG, when I say that we are all getting pretty damned tired of gun control advocates' transparently dishonest attempts to foist these bogus, ultimately sophomoric arguments upon us ("The Militia! The Militia!"). The historical record is abundantly clear on these points, and even the elementary English Grammar tool of diagraming sentences confirms that the syntax of the Second Amendment is that of an individual right _ which; surprise; was the entire historical raison d'etre of the Bill of Rights, without which the Constitution would never have been ratified. You people are fooling no one with the possible exception of yourselves, and you are annihilating what little credibility you have; vis-a-vis your alleged "support" of "responsible" gun ownership; with these asinine, embarrassingly naive attempts at counterfeiting the historical record. And on a broader, more wide-ranging point, "Mahababs," just to set your karma straight on the political significance of arms ownership, why don't you check out Mahatma Ghandi's views on the subject, sometime? If you and the rest of your revisionist ilk really have become arrogant enough (or perhaps corrupt enough) to think this trash you are promoting is in any way credible, be advised that your days of controlling the dominant political and intellectual paradigm of this society are *numbered*. If you have to lie to the People to advance your "progressive" agenda, you don't deserve to govern, and you *certainly* don't deserve the public trust. - MK
2. And a parting shot from Keeweenaw Paul
Forwarded message: >From email@example.com Thu Jul 13 14:00:06 1995 Message-Id: <199507131802.MAA03460@scratchy.itsnet.com> X-Sender: firstname.lastname@example.org X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Version 1.4.4 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 11:55:37 -0600 To: email@example.com From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Don Henson) Subject: Now You Can Own a 'Munitions Tshirt' Now you can wear a TSHIRT that has been classified as a MUNITION by the US Goverment. That's right! The US International Traffic in Arms Regulations (ITAR) makes exporting cyrptographic materials illegal. ITAR further defines export as providing cryptographic information to a non-US/Canadian citizen even if you are inside the US at the time. Providing information is further defined as telling or showing information to a non-US/Canadian citizen. The Munitions Tshirt has a Perl implementation of the RSA algorithm (the one used by PGP) printed on the front along with a bar-code of the same algorithm. What all the above means is that if you wear the Munitions Tshirt where a non-US/Canadian citizen can see it, even if it is inside the US, you have just exported cryptographic material (which is already freely available outside the US) and have become a criminal in the eyes of the US Government. Now you too can become an international arms dealer for the price of a tshirt (US$15.95 - US$19.95, depending on size) and the guts to wear it. If you are a non-US/Canadian citizen, you can still own a Munitons Tshirt by ordering the tshirt from a source that is outside the US. The email response to a request for info (see next paragraph) includes full instructions for ordering the tshirt no matter where you live. For more information on how to own this classic example of civil disobedience, just send email to email@example.com with the subject of 'SHIRT'. (You don't have to be a US/Canadian citizen to request the info.) Or, if you have WWW access, just point your Web browser to: http://colossus.net/wepinsto/wshome.html By the way, 25% of the profits from the sale of the tshirt (in the US/Canada) goes to the PHIL ZIMMERMANN LEGAL DEFENSE FUND to help defend the author of PGP from harassment and possible prosecution by the Fedgoons. And if you get arrested for wearing the Munitions Tshirt, we'll refund your purchase price. :-) Get your Munitions Tshirt now. Who knows how long they'll stay in production! Don Henson, Managing Director (PGP Key ID = 0X03002DC9) West El Paso Information Network (WEPIN) Check out The WEPIN Store at URL: http://colossus.net/wepinsto/wshome.html **************************************** >From: firstname.lastname@example.org >Date: Fri Jul 21 13:55:31 EDT 1995 >Organization: Delphi (email@example.com email, 800-695-4005 voice) Huge underground homes are available in the form of de-commisioned Nuclear Missile Bases! With over 15,000 square feet of floorspace, all built to withstand nuclear blast and 30 or so acres of surrounding land, the serious homesteader, the dedicated survivalist group, person needing large storage, church or just a single family wanting to get away from it all would be well served to investigate this special offering. Also of mention is the fact that these structures require little heating and no air conditioning, due to the earth over construction. Small industry is possible due to a large drive in shop area. The shop area is joined to a second building by a 100 foot long tunnel, so renting the shop end to a business and living in the lower building would be possible. Located in Kansas (close to Kansas City) where the cost of living is low and the problems of the big city are far away, these properties are being offered starting at about the price of two or three new cars. The government only built so many of these and once they are gone, no more will be built! For more information about how you could own these magnificent underground estates please call Tim at (913) 273-0452 or Ed at (913) 256-6029. Before 10pm Central Time! If you get an answering machine, please leave your name, # and area code so we can respond as soon as possible!!! RESPOND BY PHONE ONLY!! ALL E-MAIL IGNORED!!!
3. And Joe Nottoli has an essay guaranteed to get you into college.
Date: Fri, 28 Jul 95 10:38 EST From: Joe Nottoli <firstname.lastname@example.org> Hey Guys! I Thought you'd get a kick out of this... Forwarded message: From: email@example.com (BECKER, GREG) To: firstname.lastname@example.org Date: 95-07-22 14:19:12 EDT Subj: FW: Super College Applicant This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU. 3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.
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